Therapy

I went to my first “young widows” grief group today, and by young widows they mean under age 55. I was by far the youngest widow there and the only one with small children. The other women had teenage or grown children. Some were on their second marriages and had step-children. One lady had been married longer than I've been alive. So I didn’t quite feel like I was in the company of my peers, though I realize a 30 year old widow with toddlers is probably quite rare…except that I know so many from the blogging world. I was just hoping that I might find somebody close to home that I could forge a friendship with.

I was in the middle in terms of how far out I was from my loss. The newest was 4 weeks and the longest was 3 years. So again, not really in the company of my peers. The newer widows are still in the worst, shocking, painful part…while I have processed some of that and am trying to gain my footing with who I have to become now. I am in the growth and rediscovery stage, which the widows who are farther out have already sort of grasped. The positive side of this is that perhaps we will all have some insights to give each other about the different stages.

The other way I felt very different from the group is that I work in the psychology field. I’ve racked up a couple of degrees in psychology. It’s what I do, it’s what I know, it’s how I function. Most of the time when I process things with my best friend (also in the psychology field) it’s like I’m doing therapy on myself. Using the techniques on myself that I would on a client- then my friend gets her turn at me so I feel like I have a built in therapeutic support system.

Honestly, in a therapeutic setting it’s hard to impress me. It's like playing chess with a really good opponent who is always thinking a step ahead of you...I usually know what's coming and what direction it's going to go. It’s hard to counsel the counselor so to speak.

I know all the ins and outs of how therapy is supposed to work. I know the theories and techniques, I know how group therapy dynamics are made and broken, I have the insider’s point of view. It’s kind of like knowing the secret to a magic trick- it loses its luster when you see the trick performed once you know it’s all just sleight of hand.

So today, I felt like I knew what cards the therapist was holding before we even got started. And true to form she followed the script pretty much as I imagined she would. Not to say that it wasn’t helpful information, it just wasn’t anything I didn’t already know. And I had to consciously remind myself to stop my internal dialogue when the other women were talking, to stop diagnosing them in my head and thinking of which way I would handle it if I was the therapist. And those of my psychology friends out there reading this will recognize my stand-by defense mechanisms of rationalization and intellectualizing have reared their ugly heads, and just to keep it interesting I've added a hint of narcissism to the mix. I know I need to get out of my head and deal with some real emotions...that's why I joined the group. So anyway, I didn’t walk away feeling enlightened or any more connected to anyone like I had hoped.

Granted, it was only the first session and the basics had to be gotten out of the way. I’m hoping that the next sessions will push my boundaries and force me to allow the therapy to work, and not let me get away with working the therapy.

Cheated

It snowed today. In Texas. The girls will likely not see this happen again for another 15-20 years so we took advantage of the opportunity and let them play in the snow. They had fun for about 10 minutes and then got bored, and I got cold. Inside we went....


We decided to make cupcakes because the girls turned 18 months old today. It was their 1 1/2 year birthday so we decided to celebrate...that was Grandma's great idea. They even got to help make the cupcakes- such big girls!

Of course, the best part was getting to eat the cupcakes! They each got 2...most of it ending up on their laps and the floor, but it sure was fun! And they smelled like icing for the rest of the afternoon!

While they were napping I came across an old picture of Andie and I. It was taken just a few months after we got engaged when we thought we had our whole lives ahead of us, and it made me really sad... it reminded me of how little time we actually had together. I started reminiscing and trying to figure out exactly how long he was part of my life. He kissed me for the first time on April 11, 2001- I remember it like it was yesterday and then I realize he was not even "mine" for a whole decade.

He was part of my life and my good friend since I was 19, but not truly mine for a whole decade and I’m left feeling so cheated. I cry in the shower thinking of how little time we had and absent-mindedly draw a heart in the condensation on the shower door. Almost as quick as I can draw it the water drips and blurs the lines making it almost indistinguishable. I draw it again. As quick as I finish drawing it, it vanishes before my eyes- just like our time together. I'm left feeling like what we had was nothing but a mirage. Something you think you see, but it's not quite tangible, and the closer you get to it the more you wonder if it was real at all. It just seems like he slipped through my fingers...It all went by so fast.

Drawing the heart on the shower door reminds me of the times when one of us would write a little love note in the steam on the mirror while the other was in the shower. And the time years ago when he left dozens of post-it notes around my apartment on which he'd written "I love you". He hid them in places so I was finding them for weeks...my linen closet, the pantry, the junk drawer, the medicine cabinet...they were everywhere. I saved them all for a while, but years later I eventually threw them away thinking that a pile of random post-it notes wasn’t very meaningful after all those years, in comparison to all the other love notes and cards he had given me. I’d give anything for that stack of post-it notes today. For a simple love note in the steam on the mirror when I get out of the shower. For one more tangible thing...just a simple thing to prove that it was all real.

Anyway, it wasn't a horrible day, it wasn't a great day...just one in which I constantly had a feeling that he was missing out on so much. The first time for the girls to see snow. The fun we had making and eating cupcakes to celebrate their "half birthday". The mundane and simple moments shared with the girls, many of which happen every day.

I just feel like I got cheated. More than that, the girls got cheated. He got cheated. Like we weren't told the rules of the game before we agreed to play.

And there is just no way I can make it all right...

Thanks for the sunshine...

Today the cold rolled back in to Texas. The past few days have been unseasonably warm. Yesterday was 78 degrees and I took a jog with the girls and enjoyed the sunshine. This song came on my ipod while we were out and it made me think of Andie. He knew how much I hate the cold and I imagined him sending me a little extra burst of sunshine yesterday just to brighten my day.

Exerpts from "Somewhere Down in Texas" by Jason Boland

In a place that big a man could get lost
never mind the time, forget about the cost.
There’s more important things.
Shes' somewhere smiling north of San Antone.
I've got her number but I stare at the phone.
Cause I still want to believe.

Cause no matter how big the storms I know I can find me a place that's warm.
The sun is shining somewhere in Texas.
I hope it's shining on her
Somewhere down in Texas.



I got the sunshine you sent yesterday babe!