The Story

Where it all began...

This blog was originally created when life threw me the first curve ball...I found out I was going to have twins.  That was surprising enough all by itself, but the really crazy part was that I wasn't even sure having one baby would be safe for me, let alone two.  Let me explain.

I have a congenital heart condition that results in my aorta stretching and dilating over time.  This can be exacerbated by an increase in blood pressure and I would run the risk of an aortic aneurysm or dissection; something that is almost always fatal.  I've known about this condition since I was 15 years old when we discovered after my father's unexpected and sudden death that he had the same condition.  Doctors told me for years that becoming pregnant was ill advised and would be very dangerous due to the increased blood flow and pressure that occurs while one is pregnant. 

After consulting with many specialists and my wonderful cardiologist who felt like pregnancy would be high-risk but not necessarily life threatening, my husband and I decided to give it a try.  We knew we were rolling the dice but it was a chance we were willing to take after much discussion, prayer, tears, and heartache.  I became pregnant the first month I got off birth control.  We were elated and took it as a sign that we were supposed to be parents.  A few weeks into the pregnancy we discovered it was an ectopic pregnancy that would have to be terminated in order to save my fallopian tube, and my life.  Unfortunately, I hemorrhaged internally and had to have emergency surgery...the doctors miraculously saved my life and my fallopian tube.  But our hopes were dashed.  Perhaps that was a sign that pregnancy was too dangerous and this was God's way of letting us know not to go down this road again. 

After much thought, prayer, tears, and heartache, we decided we would try one more time to become pregnant.  If it didn't work we would consider adopting.  If it did work, we were sure that this was God's grace.  Again, I got pregnant the first time we were able to try again.  We thought it was a miracle as the doctor had told us to expect to have to try for several months to a year after just having had an ectopic pregnancy.

Everything was going along without a hitch until I went in for my 9 week sonogram. They were monitoring me very closely and very often to make sure I did not develop another ectopic pregnancy.  At the 9 week sonogram they discovered I would be having twins.  This was scary news to someone who was going to have a difficult pregnancy with one baby.  Having two in there upped the ante significantly. 

I started this blog then because so many family and friends were wanting updates on how I and the babies were doing.  Blessedly, I got through the entire pregnancy without a single complication and gave birth to two beautiful, healthy girls on August 4, 2009.

Life was going great!  My husband and I had a solid marriage.  We had two beautiful children.  We bought land to build our dream house on.  We had great, steady jobs, and lots of supportive friends and family members. We had the world at our fingertips. 

That all came crashing down in June of 2010.  Life threw me another curve ball, and although I ducked the first one, this one hit me smack dab in the middle of the forehead.  I never saw it coming...

On June 18, 2010, two days before his first Father's Day my husband died right next to me in bed.  He was only 34 years old.  I was 29, and our twins were just 10 months old.  My seemingly healthy, young, husband died of an old man's disease: atherosclerosis.  The clogging of the arteries that is seen in much older men who eat really poor diets their whole lives.  There was a combination of genetic predisposition and some bad lifestyle habits that led to my husband's death.  He was only about 15 pounds overweight and exercised more days than not.  He looked healthy.  He acted healthy.  He didn't smoke, rarely drank, and generally ate pretty decently.

I was left alone, bewildered, and reeling from shock.  The blog became my catharsis for dealing with my grief journey.  I had to find a way to continue living for my girls.  I use this blog as my therapy- a way to bear witness to all that has happened, all I have been through, and all I will have to endure. I push myself to confront my true emotions, process them, and accept them for what they are.  This is a story about my push to find hope.

Thanks for stopping by. I hope you find some worthwhile reading...