Transitions...

This is such a time of transition in our household...changes are happening all the time.

The girls attended their first day of daycare yesterday and did wonderfully, though the morning routine was a little rough on Allie. Addie was very excited to go and thrilled about her new big girl lunch box. Allie wanted nothing to do with any of my best attempts at getting her excited about going. Addie tried to reassure her and make her feel better by giving her hugs and kisses. Then headed for the door eager to get in the car. Allie proceeded to throw her lunch box and pitch a fit. We managed to get to daycare and they only cried for about 15 minutes after I left and of course when I arrived to pick them up 7 hours later they weren't even excited to see me because they were having so much fun. I have to admit that I had envisioned the movie scene where the kids coming running across the playground and leap into your arms because they've missed you so bad. I barely got a nod and smile when I walked up before they went back to playing. All in all, I'm happy that this was not a difficult transition for them...or for me.

For a year now I have visited his grave every month and marked the time by how much grass had grown over the dirt patch. I had it in my mind that when the grass was completely filled in, and there was no longer any sign of the earth being ravaged, that then it might actually seem real. While the dirt was still fresh I just could not wrap my mind around the fact that he was in the ground...and this is still a hard concept to grasp. Yesterday afternoon I gave the final approval on Andie's headstone. It will be here in several weeks and is so symbolic of the finality of his death, and of this year. Seeing it there will serve as a reminder that this all really did happen.

The school year has finally come to an end and as of yesterday I'm officially finished with work for the year. I tend to measure my years by the school year rather than a calendar year as many who work in schools do, and being that Andie passed away this week last year it only deepens the feeling that "this past year" is coming to a close. I always welcome the summer when I can mentally put away all the stresses of the previous school year and start fresh in a couple of months. I especially feel this way now. I am looking forward to a summer this year with hope and excitement of having some time to enjoy with those I love. I want to savor all the good times and continue to strengthen the bonds I've developed with new and old friends. My relationships with others are so much more important to me now and I don't want to take them for granted.

So much has changed in the past year and there are so many new things on the horizon for us. New adventures and experiences for us all. New relationships are starting, and old ones are evolving. Most of them in good ways, with a deeper bond and appreciation for those around me ever present on my mind. I have a renewed focus on doing what is right for me and the girls and reprioritizing so that it fits our needs, not what I think everyone else wants. This has been the hardest year of my life but it has brought me some perspective and maturity.

I'm looking forward to all the new transitions we have headed our way.
I feel positive about our future for the first time in a while.
I am ready to start the rest of my life with a new focus.
As they say...
The only thing that stays the same is...
Everything changes.

Peace...

I shamelessly stole this from another widow blog. Sunny Sings the Blues had it posted the other day and it spoke to me. I've been coming back to it for days, letting it seep into my consciousness. Thought I'd let you all know what has been occupying my thoughts...


"Desiderata" by Max Ehrmann
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

This line especially speaks to me:
"And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be."

I am finding peace...
finally.

With appreciation...

In helping others, we shall help ourselves, for whatever good we give out completes the circle and comes back to us. – Flora Edwards

Most of the posts I write get commented on. Usually by my faithful followers. But what amazes me is how often I get emailed privately about my posts. Several times a week I get an email from someone telling me that something I have written resonated within them and made them take pause. Most times it is by someone who is not even grieving, but rather they can identify with the emotional undertone of my post as it relates to their own relationships. I am told that they can see themselves in me, or that I have made them change the way they look at things.

In my selfish act of baring my soul and using the blog as my own personal therapy, I am touching others. Making them reflect and self-evaluate, and in the end hopefully helping them become more self-aware people.

This is the greatest compliment I could ever receive. That through my personal pain and catharsis, I might be helping someone else to heal one of their wounds.

And in return, I heal a little more too…

It is with a humble heart that I thank all my readers today for continuing to push me along in my journey by choosing to share what’s in your heart.

Spirit...

We've got spirit yes we do, we've got spirit, how bout you?

I remember that grade school cheerleading chant so well...

Us widows tends to shy away from the compliments we get about being strong. It feels undeserved to say we are strong when we are only doing what must be done to survive. We didn't choose to walk through the fire, we were forced to and we feel the burn. So we feel like a fraud to take on the "strong" label because it doesn't feel like we rightfully earned it. It was just given to us.

But the truth is, we are strong. And we should own it. Not everyone can suffer a devastating loss and continue to move through the world with grace and poise. Not everyone can lose everything that ever mattered and still choose to get up the next morning and keep going. Not everyone can continue to hold their head up while in the depths of deep despair. But we do. Not because it's something we wanted or chose, but because we have to. We choose not to give up when we lose. And in the words of a current Sugarland song, "Sometimes you gotta lose til you win."

So maybe we shy away from being called strong. Perhaps we could wear the "spirit" label better. We are strong and we are courageous, because we have spirit.

My aunt gave me this sign and I love it.
Because it speaks to me about the unbroken spirit.
It speaks to me about getting back up when life has knocked you down.
Pushing back when life pushes you.
It speaks to me about bouncing back. Getting back on the proverbial horse.

It speaks to me of resilience.

And that is something I can own...

Soul Searching

“You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you.” – C.S. Lewis in A Grief Observed

Andie has been gone 8 months today and through a lot of reading, research, and deep soul searching, this is what I’ve come to know.

We all think we know so much about the world and the way it works. But we really don’t truly know much at all. I was naïve enough to think that I knew happiness, sorrow, joy, and pain in my former life…but what I’ve come to truly know is that I only understood those things on a fractional and miniscule level, through the hazy perceptions of what had been taught to me or what I had experienced in my relatively easy life. It is through the difficult, bring you to your knees, make you want to die moments that the veil is lifted and you are awakened to what is truly there at the deepest, purest level. This is when the “aha” moment occurs and you finally “get it”.

When I use the word “know” I mean at a level that is deep within you, that shakes you to your core, that nobody can reach save for God and maybe yourself. To know with a conviction and with a purpose.

You cannot know light unless you have known darkness.
You cannot know joy unless you have felt despair.
You cannot know gratitude unless you have been in need.
You cannot know love unless you have been alone.
You cannot know comfort unless you have been in pain.
You cannot feel exhilarated unless you have been loathsome.
You cannot find yourself unless you have been lost.
You cannot triumph unless you have failed.
You cannot find strength unless you have been tested.
And I dare say…
You cannot know God and have faith in him unless you have had a reason to know him.

If there have been no trials, tribulations, or tragedies in your life to test your faith, then how can you possibly know how to call upon that faith? You can’t until you have to…up until then it’s all theory and conjecture.

The veil has been lifted and I see the world as I’ve never seen it before. I consider things from a new perspective, believe in things I once doubted, and know things in a way I don’t think I could have ever come to understand had I not been forced to go through this process. It’s akin to not having a true idea of what parenthood is like until you’re in the middle of it. You think you know…but you don’t really know.

Despite the fact that there is a gaping hole, there is a depth and richness to my life that was probably always there but only now am I able to acknowledge it and appreciate it. Though there are questions, there is a deeper spiritual connection. A stronger faith- not only in the existence of a God, but a faith in myself.

There is a sense of knowing. Of being privy to information that the rest of the world is not. I feel like I know some of the secrets of the universe now. I value people and relationships more than ever. The focus on career, salary, material things is no longer meaningful. Things that people around me focus on and worry about seem petty and inconsequential, and it is though my heart gets a sly smile as if to say, “if only you knew, if only”. I feel more grounded, more confident. I feel truer to myself than I have ever been. There is a sense of being on the “right” path, though I never knew I was on the wrong path before. I have an inner serenity that I’ve never felt. My eyes have been opened in a way that I cannot even put into words. I have been enlightened. I get it, I finally get it.

I have come to understand that God gives us the negatives so that we can then, and only then, truly understand, know, and appreciate the positives by comparison. It is so we can appreciate the difference, because we cannot have one without the other.

“I once was blind, but now I see” - John 9:25

Run for your life, Remember his...

I am honored to announce that we will be hosting an annual 5k Memorial Run (or walk if you like) in honor of Andie. The benefits will go to the Guadalupe County 100 Club, an organization whose mission is to provide immediate financial assistance to families of public safety officers and firefighters who are seriously injured or killed in the line of duty, and to provide resources to enhance their safety and welfare. This organization came to my aid soon after losing Andie and helped raise a significant amount of money for the girls' college fund. It's time for me to pay it forward and help the next unfortunate family in need.

The event will take place on the one year anniversary of his passing: June 18, 2011 The run will be in the morning and will be followed by a BBQ lunch at Starcke Park in Seguin, TX. All proceeds will benefit the 100 Club.

Here's the nitty gritty details:

What: The Triple A 5k Run/Walk
Date: Saturday, June 18, 2011
Time: Run starts at 8:30, food will be served from 11:00-2:30
Where: Max Starcke Park, Seguin TX
Price: Advance registration fee for the run is $20 and $7 for a BBQ plate. Day of the event price for the run is $25 and $8 for a BBQ plate. (Registration for the run includes a T-shirt)
Donations are also accepted gladly.

Sign up now at Active.com- the first 100 registrants will receive a high-tech T-shirt. Donations can also be made at Active.com (Search: Triple A 5k)

Here's the link...do it now!

Triple A 5k

Hope to see you all there! Don't forget....

"RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, REMEMBER HIS"

Thanks for the sunshine...

Today the cold rolled back in to Texas. The past few days have been unseasonably warm. Yesterday was 78 degrees and I took a jog with the girls and enjoyed the sunshine. This song came on my ipod while we were out and it made me think of Andie. He knew how much I hate the cold and I imagined him sending me a little extra burst of sunshine yesterday just to brighten my day.

Exerpts from "Somewhere Down in Texas" by Jason Boland

In a place that big a man could get lost
never mind the time, forget about the cost.
There’s more important things.
Shes' somewhere smiling north of San Antone.
I've got her number but I stare at the phone.
Cause I still want to believe.

Cause no matter how big the storms I know I can find me a place that's warm.
The sun is shining somewhere in Texas.
I hope it's shining on her
Somewhere down in Texas.



I got the sunshine you sent yesterday babe!

Inspiration

I have a great friend from highschool who makes beautiful jewelry. After Andie died she made me a necklace with several charms on it that had significant meaning to me. Recently I commissioned a new one to add to the collection. It is a charm with the date of Andie's death on the back and the word "PUSH" on the front. A daily reminder for me that I can push on, I will push on, and I have to push on.

Check out my friend's website at www.hersoutherncharm.com and get some of your own inspirational jewelry made... and tell her I sent ya!

Buttress...

but·tress   [buh-tris]
–noun
1. any external prop or support built to steady a structure by opposing its outward thrusts

–verb (used with object)
2. to support by a buttress; prop up.
3. to give encouragement or support to (a person, plan, etc.).

I have my own buttresses in the form of some very important friends in my life. Every 18th of the month we get together for dinner as a way to get my mind off of the sad emotions of the anniversary. Not all of us are able to make it every time being that there are kids/spouses/jobs/ etc. to tend to, but there is usually no less than 4 of us. I look forward to this day the whole month and am always sad when the night has to end. They all bring a unique perspective to my life and understand me in a unique way. There is…

“The other half of my brain” –She thinks like me, knows how I tick, and gets me in a way that nobody else does. We can finish each other’s sentences or know what the other one is thinking with a simple look. She is the sister I never had. She has been there with me every step of the way, and no matter how small or slow I might be stepping- she’s behind me 100%. She epitomizes what a true friend is. I don't know how I'll ever live up to her example.

“My sister in-law”- she understands the family dynamics from the inside out. She knows the wonderful joys, and sometimes frustrations of being part of such a close knit family. She is one of the most patient and giving people I know...and she can always make me laugh!

“My light”- she is always in a good mood, kind to everyone she meets, and a true inspiration with her gentle, caring soul. I want to have a disposition like hers. I want to make everyone I come in contact with feel special, and worthy, and awesome like she does.

“The straight shooter”- the only other single mom in the group, she understands the tribulations of flying solo. She really gets what it’s like to not be overwhelmingly happy for others who are getting married/having a baby/in a new relationship, etc. because we know that life just isn’t always so grand. She keeps me grounded and has great perspective; never letting me get worked up over the small stuff.

“My fireman”-You know that fireman saying that they "run in when everyone else runs out"? Well, when everyone else ran out she ran in… okay, not everyone else ran out, but she is the happy surprise in all of this. Someone who has become closer to me through this because she stepped in and wasn’t afraid to do so. She didn’t avoid me like some people have. She was the casual friend who has become a true, close friend. I’m so thankful for people like her and for her courage- something I admire.

“The cheerleader” - She’s been my biggest cheerleader for writing a book about my grief and using the experience for good. Always ready to lend a hand with offers of help and support. And never afraid to tell it like it is and give me her honest opinion.

“The seen it all from the beginning friend” - married to my husband’s best friend, she has been around me the longest and knew Andie and I both before we were a couple. She is the only one to have known us as a couple for the entire time we were together. She knows the full history.

All of them give me something I need, and I can only hope that in some small way I am able to return the favor for them. They fulfill me, sustain me, prop me up, and support me…

Being an introvert, I’ve never been one to form lots of friendships. I remember in middle school when cliques and being left out was commonplace. I took on the stance that I didn’t need friends. I was perfectly happy being alone. And for the most part I was, and still am. But I distinctly remember a heart-to-heart talk with my father during that time in which he said, “Brooke, you need people. You can’t go through life alone.” And he was right.

And thank God for these wonderful angels that have been put in my path to help me learn that lesson once again. I do need people. I need them.

Make a choice...

Today the weather was beautiful for the first time in what seems like forever. I had the urge to get outside and move. To breathe. To feel the sun. To feel alive. I haven’t been exercising since Andie died but today I needed to run. I had the itch. I loaded the girls in the stroller and off we went. The sun was shining but it was still a chilly day. I wasn't able to run as far as I used to. My body hasn’t been use to that kind of abuse lately.

As I ran, Andie’s ring which is on a chain around my neck, bounced up and down on my chest, stinging my skin. The cold air burned my lungs and my chest tightened. My muscles tensed and strained with the weight of the girls. I wasn’t acclimated to the cool weather and it took a minute for my body to loosen up and give in to the pressure. I wondered if this was how he felt when we went running and he complained that he couldn’t catch his breath and his chest hurt. I push this thought from my mind. I push the girls up the next hill. I push myself to keep going. This moment is not about him, I tell myself. Every other moment of every other day is about him. But this moment, on this day is mine. Right now it is about me.

It’s about pushing myself to take my life back. To not be defined wholly by the fact that I am his widow. It's about living in the moment and accepting it for what it is. Not wishing it was something different. It's surrendering to the fact that I don’t know what tomorrow holds, or the next day, or the day after that- but it doesn’t really matter anyway. What matters is being present and engaged with my children, being true to myself, accepting the blessing of being alive- right now.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about creating an acronym for my mantra…”push.” I’ve come up with many but none of them ring true to me. I tossed around…

Sometimes in life, Pretty Ugly Shit Happens (too pessimistic)
Persistence, Understanding, Survival, Hope (not bad, but still not the true essence of what push means to me)
Pain, Undone, Sadness, Heartache (blah, too depressing)
Prayer, Unity, Salvation, Healing (too sappy and idealistic)
And the list goes on and on...

The one that I keep coming back to time and time again because it conveys what push means to me in those moments when I have to push myself is:

“Perseverance Unleashed, Strength Harnessed”

Because for me, in the moments when I need a push it’s about unleashing the power within myself in order to persevere. It’s about harnessing emotional, physical, and spiritual strength to survive.

So today I made a choice. Today I pushed.

Equations...

The other day I was talking with a friend who is going through a rough time in her marriage. She was saying that she felt like there were only a few good months in all the years she’s been married and the rest were wrought with turmoil. Now, I’m sure she is exaggerating a bit since the negatives always seem to outshine the positives when we are upset about something.

But, being the very analytical person I am (I almost got a perfect score on the analytical section of the GRE, nevermind that I barely passed the math and verbal portions), it got me thinking about my own marriage and the ratio of good to bad.

Then I started doing calculations in my head. (Yes, sometimes I am obsessive) Adding up the number of months that I could remember that were especially tough and trying, and comparing them to the really good times. I’ll spare you the sordid details of my multiple equations, percents, fractions, and variables all worked out on a piece of scratch paper. It turns out that my marriage was roughly 80% great and 20% not so great. I would’ve thought that we were closer to about 90% great. It doesn’t really matter what the number is, the point is that our good far outweighed our bad. I don’t know if we were just lucky, or worked harder than others at maintaining a commitment, or were just better suited for each other and extra compatible, or all of the above. Probably a mixture of all of the above, but that’s a whole other equation we won’t get into.

We decided early in our marriage that the unit was top priority; never ourselves, or our future children above the marriage. The sum was to be greater than the parts, so to speak. I think that served us well. Not that we didn’t have times of being selfish, or petulant temper tantrums of “But, I want…”, or focusing on the kids more than us, but the idea of the marriage first always brought us back to reprioritizing in our favor when things got kinda squirrely. Marriage is a delicate balance of sacrificing yourself for the good of the whole, but not losing yourself in the process. There is a lot of compromise, picking your battles, and just letting go. And of course a lot of hope that the scale is tipped in your favor and the good outweighs the bad.

So, today I’m feeling thankful that he stuck by my side. Always put me first. Never let me step down from the pedestal he put me on from day one. And that I did all the same for him.

And in the end, the scale was tipped in our favor and we had it pretty good.
We had it pretty good...

If I could...

If I could there is so much I would do, and change, and fix for my daughters. Their world has unfairly been turned upside down and what life they would’ve known is no longer an option. I often wonder about how this is going to irrevocably change who they are. Certainly growing up and having a good, strong, father figure would’ve had a profoundly different outcome for them than growing up without ever even remembering their father. Everytime I see their angelic faces and think of their innocence lost through all of this I am deeply saddened. I dread the day they start asking questions and I have no good explanations.

As a parent my job is to protect them, provide for them, afford them all the best opportunities I can, and sometimes I feel powerless in all of this. I can't protect them from the pain of loss. I can't provide the experiences they would've had if they had two parents. I can't afford them all the same opportunities they are entitled to, as I am now a single parent. I am reminded of a song written by my uncle, Paul Hill.


"If I Could" by Paul Hill (check out hugworks.org for more great children's music)

If I could
I would write a song for you
A very special song for you
A song to lift you up when all your dreams have left you empty handed

If I could
I would be a friend to you
A very special friend to you
A friend that you could call whenever you just need someone to talk to

And if I could
I would stop the pain from ever getting through
I would keep this world from ever hurting you
If I could

If I could
I would give a smile to you
Yes, I would give a smile to you
A smile for anytime that things are not what they’re supposed to be

I know you’ve given more than one to me

At least once every few days, for just a millisecond, the thought passes through my head, "Andie is going to be so surprised to see how much they've changed when he gets home." It's like I think he's just been on a really long trip and will walk in the door any minute. My heart breaks for him and for the girls everytime I am reminded that they have lost each other. Cause the bottom line is, he lost out too. He was cheated in all of this too.

My daughters are my joy, my hope, my inspiration, my amusement, my whole life. They give so much more to me than I could ever give to them.

Oh girls, how things would be different for you if only,
I could…

Better late than never...

So it finally hit me today what I am thankful for this season. I know I'm literally a day late, and probably a dollar short and won't do this post justice to adequately express what's truly in my heart, but here goes...

I am thankful for all of you. All of my readers, all of my friends and family, all of you who support me in this widow walk. I've realized that the reason I blog and share some of my most private thoughts and moments of pain is because I continue to gain strength and comfort from all of you. Your feedback and comments and words of encouragement are what keep me going.

I know there are a lot of people who continue to pray for me and the girls, and who continue to send loving thoughts our way- for that I am eternally grateful. Without the cocoon of love and support I have, I would not be functioning. It is such a compliment, and little burst of joy in my day when I hear from one of you that I've inspired you, or given you hope, or that you understand me, or that you hurt for me. You all help me feel less alone, something I am deeply appreciative of. There are many of you who have kept me afloat for the day with your kind words.

I mentioned to someone the other day that I wanted some good to come out of Andie's death. I don't want it all to be for not. I find that maybe the good that can come is that I inspire you, give you hope, help you get perspective on your own life, as you all do for me- and hopefully there is a ripple effect. A pay if forward moment when you can do the same for someone else. And hopefully the cycle of giving continues- we are all able to give back to each other and lift each other up, making for a better world- even if it's just in a small way.

Cheers to all of you! Thank you seems so inadequate but I don't know what else to say. So,
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!

The necklace...

Tonight Addie did not want to go to bed. So I cuddled her. On the couch. Just me and her. In the quiet and stillness of the evening.

At first she was very calm and laid on my shoulder as if she was about to fall asleep. Abruptly she lifts her head with purpose, looks at me, then begins playing with my necklace. Only, it's his necklace really. With his wedding ring on it.

I tell her to lie down and try to guide her head to my shoulder. She resists strongly and continues to play with my necklace intently. After a few more failed attempts to get her to lie down, I turn her on her side and cradle her where she can still see the necklace- which she continues to play with. Then she starts putting his wedding ring up to my mouth. She continues pushing it on my lips until I kiss his ring. Then she wants me to do this several more times. If I don't kiss it, she just smashes his ring harder into my lips until I give in and kiss it. She's insistent about it.

As all of this is unfolding I'm wondering what made her do this. Is she thinking about him? Is he here with us in the room and she is picking up on his vibes? Is is possible that she even remembers him? He has been gone for 1/3 of her short life...can she really remember him?

Surely she is not smart enough to understand that the necklace I wear is his, and that the ring is his too. But, there is an innocent intuition about her. Right after he died I noticed that she and Allie both would look up to the sky, or get fixated on a point just beyond my gaze and hold it. It was almost eerie- like they could see him or sense him. And I can't help but think that maybe on some gut level she does understand the importance of this necklace. That she knows this necklace was my last connection to him, and his last moments with me.

Interestingly, all week I've contemplated taking the necklace off, watching for a sign to guide me in the right direction. Now, I feel like we are all connected to it more deeply than I realized. I feel to my core.

This necklace and ring- symbolic of no ending and no beginning. Just a
solid,
never,
ending,
connection...

The timepiece...

I have felt rather disengaged and uninspired with my psyche the past few days- hence the reason for no profound posting here today.

What I would like to let you all know about is an awesome shop I found on etsy.com! If you scroll all the way down to the bottom of my blog you will find some of my favorite items from Leslie Janson's shop. She makes incredibly unique jewelry and other fun trinkets from vintage items. I especially am in love with her cuff bracelets!

Her timepiece Christmas ornaments are also pretty cool (there is as picture down there- yep, scroll down). I commissioned a custom one in which the time reads 10:04.

As most of you know, October 4th was our wedding anniversary and we picked that date because Andie was a police officer. Being that he used the radio code "10-4" every time he responded on the radio, as in, "10-4, I'll be in route to the scene" or something like that... we figured he would never forget our anniversary that way! What most of you might not know is that I'm cheesy. And every time I would randomly look at the clock and see it was 10:04 I would point this out to him with excitement, and he would smile. Or roll his eyes. Or both. I always thought it was neat to catch this time on the clock, and often I would make him kiss me in honor of our marriage- no matter where we were when this happened. He really rolled his eyes if this happened in public as he was not one for PDA.

The cool thing is that lately, I catch 10:04 on the clock a lot. A whole lot. At work, in the car, turning out the light and going to bed, while on the computer checking email, when picking up my phone to make a call, etc. etc. You might remember my facebook post a while back when I had done my fastest run time ever and beat my personal record. When I checked the clock to see how long it took me-you guessed it, it was 10:04! I just knew his spirit was running with me and pushing me.

Anyway, it happens way more than chance these days and I choose to believe this is a sign from him. Whenever it happens I send a little loving thought to him and I believe that this is our way of keeping up that mundane daily communication that I desperately miss.

So, for my very first Christmas without him I decided that this very neat ornament with such a "special" time on it would be a good way to honor him. And Leslie Janson obliged me and created a custom piece just for me!

I bet she'd do the same for you- check her out!

Friendship

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."

- Henri Nouwen

Wow! Isn't that powerful and thought provoking- and SO true! It is hard to really just BE with someone who is in pain and not feel the need to talk through it or offer condolences. It has been interesting to see how people have reacted to me in my "time of mourning". The friends who I thought would be right there at my beck and call, now suddenly stand back in the shadows, rarely making contact, afraid to reach out (probably more so because of their own issues than mine) and the people who were periphery friends now step up to the plate and jump in full force ready to help and often checking in when I least expect it.

I have no judgment of either group, for I have been on both sides of the grief journey more than once. I understand the lack of understanding and the not knowing what to do or say in certain situations. I understand what it's like to have questions but be afraid to ask or pry. I know how uncomfortable it is to be with someone and bear witness to their pain and not be able to help.

I've heard it said that people come into our lives to teach us lessons, and they leave when the lesson has been learned. I guess there is no better time to learn some lessons than now. I am saddened to think that some people will slowly disappear from my life because they knew me through Andie and now there is not that connection anymore, yet I understand that it is also the natural course of things. In a way I welcome the reprieve from some people whose relationship feels like an obligation or something that must be maintained, to make way for new friends who bring fulfillment to my life. On the other hand, I don't want to lose any connection to what my life with Andie used to be.

I wonder what lessons I've learned from those who will now fade from my life, and what lessons I've imparted to them. I'm excited to think about what new things I will learn from those making more of an appearance in my life. While I am afraid of my future for the first time in my life, I am also curious and hopeful about what it will bring.

My everything...

"If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today, I still have a dream."

- Martin Luther King, Jr.

My daughters: my inspiration, my hope, my courage, my dream.

It's been a while...

So it's been a while since my last post. You've probably noticed a lot has changed on my blog. Well, that's because a lot has changed in my life. Andie passed away on June 18, 2010 and left me with two beautiful daughters to raise. It's taken me a few months to feel like I have my feet back on the ground and even that seems only momentary.

I considered not blogging anymore but have decided that it's a good way for everyone to keep up with how me and the girls are doing- I know you're all wondering. Raising twins is hard, but raising twins as a single parent is TOUGH- and humbling.

I've learned a lot about myself in the past few months. I've had to ask for help more than I'm comfortable with, I've had to compromise on a lot of things, and I've had to adjust my life plan. I've learned that I have more love and support than I ever knew was possible, but I've also learned that all of that seems inconsequential when you've lost your other half. I've learned that grieving for your spouse is just a small piece of the picture. You also grieve the loss of who you were as a wife, the loss of your hopes and dreams, the loss of the future you had planned, and most of all you grieve for your children and how they will never know and experience their dad as you did.

People often ask how I am doing. The truth is: it depends on the moment, the day, the hour, what song is on the radio, what street I'm driving on, or who's asking. I'm doing as well as I can with what I've been given. My girls are my saving grace and keep me looking forward to the next moment, day, or hour...