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Tuesday, November 16, 2010

The necklace...

Tonight Addie did not want to go to bed. So I cuddled her. On the couch. Just me and her. In the quiet and stillness of the evening.

At first she was very calm and laid on my shoulder as if she was about to fall asleep. Abruptly she lifts her head with purpose, looks at me, then begins playing with my necklace. Only, it's his necklace really. With his wedding ring on it.

I tell her to lie down and try to guide her head to my shoulder. She resists strongly and continues to play with my necklace intently. After a few more failed attempts to get her to lie down, I turn her on her side and cradle her where she can still see the necklace- which she continues to play with. Then she starts putting his wedding ring up to my mouth. She continues pushing it on my lips until I kiss his ring. Then she wants me to do this several more times. If I don't kiss it, she just smashes his ring harder into my lips until I give in and kiss it. She's insistent about it.

As all of this is unfolding I'm wondering what made her do this. Is she thinking about him? Is he here with us in the room and she is picking up on his vibes? Is is possible that she even remembers him? He has been gone for 1/3 of her short life...can she really remember him?

Surely she is not smart enough to understand that the necklace I wear is his, and that the ring is his too. But, there is an innocent intuition about her. Right after he died I noticed that she and Allie both would look up to the sky, or get fixated on a point just beyond my gaze and hold it. It was almost eerie- like they could see him or sense him. And I can't help but think that maybe on some gut level she does understand the importance of this necklace. That she knows this necklace was my last connection to him, and his last moments with me.

Interestingly, all week I've contemplated taking the necklace off, watching for a sign to guide me in the right direction. Now, I feel like we are all connected to it more deeply than I realized. I feel to my core.

This necklace and ring- symbolic of no ending and no beginning. Just a


  1. Brooke, I am speechless and have tears running down my cheek. I'm so glad you are writing all of this down, for you and the girls. Hope it is able to comfort you with each beautiful entry.

  2. I wear a necklace. Filled with John's ashes... and sometimes my cat tries to play with it when I sit it next to the bed. She was our cat. She is obsessed with the necklace. And sometimes I get frustrated and find myself saying "stop knocking over John!!!"
    babies... animals...
    they see something we quite can't i think.

  3. I completely agree with Autumn. Those girls have an unmistakable reaction to Andie's pictures, and they have always both been drawn to that ring. Young children (and animals, yes) have more open spirits and can sense/see things we can't. I really do believe that. I hope that moments like that bring you a little comfort even though I'm sure they're also sad. Love you