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Saturday, November 13, 2010


I’ve always had a plan, a 5-year plan, a goal, something to reach for in the future. It was all lined up, and now I don’t have that. It’s the first time in my life I feel uncertain and chaotic and exhilarated by the options. I have so many options and things I hadn’t even thought about doing before Andie died. I feel unsettled in my life, like something needs to change...

Lately I’ve been thinking about my career a lot. A friend let me know about a possible job opening in another district next fall that would be a substantial pay increase, I’ve considered going back to school and becoming a Physician’s Assistant, or getting my Ph.D . in psychology, or just focusing on my neuropsychology certification and doing more specialized contract testing. I’ve thought about picking up my life and moving to Costa Rica for a year to do something adventurous and to teach my daughters a second language. I’ve thought about selling my home and building the dream home that Andie and I had planned on our 2.5 acres in the hill country. I’ve thought about selling the land in the hill country altogether…

I’m scared of all this because I’ve never been on such an uncharted path with no direction. I don’t know how to do that, if I should do that. It feels like anything I would reach, any goal attained would seem unfair because had he not died I would never have done those things. It’s like this whole new life in front of me, no matter which path I choose is the wrong one because it’s not the way it should’ve been or would’ve been.

Is it fair to go down a new path, and am I okay with that? Would I be able to accept it, or would I always feel guilty for moving on without him? I don’t know. Maybe I stay in this life as penance and don’t change a thing, and don’t take a chance, and don’t push myself to grow. Why do I feel the need to punish myself? What did I do wrong, why do I keep bearing the burden and taking on the responsibility for his death? Survivor’s guilt- that’s a whole other topic for another day.

Nah, on second thought...

I gotta push!


  1. You're right - you gotta push! You definitely wouldn't be true to yourself or your girls or Andie if you didn't push. My advice would be for you to weigh your options carefully and keep them in front of you as you finish this school year. As the school year comes to an end, look at your options again (and you might see that some have completely dropped off the list) and then start planning what action needs to be taken.
    I know you get advice all the time, so this may just sound like another "wah, wah-wah, wah-wah". Just know that it is a "wah, wah-wah, wah-wah" with love.
    Thanks for the encouragement to "push myself". I hope I can be disciplined enough to take some much needed action.
    I wish I didn't feel so inadequate to know how to best show encouragement and support to you. You really do have a gift for writing, and even in the midst of overwhelming pain and grief, you always emphasize a message of hope. I know that this blog is helpful to you, but it is also going to make a difference in many other lives.
    Good night and much love,
    Jan M

  2. Thanks for the feedback Jan! I've always admired and respected you, so your advice is NEVER "wah, wah-wah" to me! I truly appreciate hearing it. Love to you!

  3. I am an "outsider", found your blog through another and just feel so inspired by your story, your strength, your spirit. Your girls are so lucky to have you and to have the strength of their father within them.

    I feel a little inappropriate putting my two cents in, but I hope you don't mind. I think the fact you 'push' is what is going to teach your girls the most about love and life. You are teaching them how to overcome adversity, how life HAS TO go on even on the days you don't feel like you want it to. You are teaching them to get up each day and look at the good things, even then there is a lot to be mad/sad/angry about-you are teaching them to "keep the faith" that the sun will always shine and things will get better.

    Whatever you chose to do it will be amazing. Andie will be with you, no, not the way your want/imagined etc but he will be there 'pushing' you to keep going. I have no doubt from what I have read about him that he would want you to accomplish all you could dream about-no, maybe you didn't have those dreams when he was with you, but when he died your dreams had to change. You didn't change your plans out of want, you have changed them out of necessity for moving forward in this new situation.

    Remember, you are never moving "on" from him-he will always be in your heart, your life and your girls lives, but you do have to move forward and that is just what you are doing....beautifully I might add.

    Thanks for sharing your heart and your journey, I wish you all the best.

  4. I am new to your blog as well. You really are inspiring and an amazing woman!! You need to push on for sure but at your own pace; not at anyone else's. Your husband is going to be proud of whatever new path you go on!