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Tuesday, November 30, 2010


I've been so numb and devoid of feeling lately. I walk around in an emotional haze- not really feeling the full effects of what has happened to me. I don't want to feel it. I don't want to accept it. I'm in a constant state of disbelief. Empty.

Tonight that all came crashing down. A neighbor dropped by and asked if I had any Christmas lights that needed to be hung. He was more than willing to do it for me if I needed- It was really no big deal, he explained. I knew it was a genuine, caring offer and the sweetness of this gesture sent me into a tailspin. It's a pain to hang lights; the very reason we never had them was because Andie refused to do it.

After the neighbor left it hit me: it's so real to everyone else that I don't have a husband.
It's just not real to me.
The rest of the world has accepted my fate.
I have not.

I can't make it seem real to myself except in small doses when I'm reminded like this, and when it does hit me it is overpowering. The pain is so deep that there aren't words to describe it. I guess this is why it's so hard to accept offers of help. Honestly, the offers wouldn't be there if I wasn't a widow. So, the second that I accept the offer it forces me to acknowledge what that person already knows- My husband is gone and he's not coming back. Ever.

Moments like this awaken me from my emotional catatonia. It jars my pain from the slumber it has been in. The Pandora's box of feelings that I keep so tightly locked is opened, and the emotions come pouring out in full force. The protective cocoon I've woven that doesn't let the strong emotions in is cracked, and the real despair seeps in and invades my soul.

And ever so gently it seeps back out and I go numb again...

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