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Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Baggage claim...

Every so often I get the "someday you'll move on" speech from someone- happened just the other day in the doctor's office. Someone who means well and has their heart in the right place, yet still feels it necessary to remind me that I am indeed a "young" widow, and surely I will find love again.

The truth is that most days I cannot fathom this, though the rational side of my brain knows it must be true because the intense loneliness and loss of companionship is awful, and I loved being married, and having a companion. I loved nurturing someone and in return being idolized by them. It gives me hope to think that one day I can find love again.

I read in one of my grief books that people who had good, strong, happy marriages tend to move on into new relationships sooner than those who had difficult or unhappy marriages. The logic being that those who were unhappy have more reticence to get into another marriage because they have a bad taste in their mouth about the institution of marriage, and they tend to carry guilt about the poor state of the relationship which makes closure harder to attain. Those who were happy though, want that kind of connection again and see marriage as a valuable asset to their well being.

I certainly fall in the latter category and do want to find love again sometime in the future, but right now that seems like a very distant future, and frankly a betrayal of my love and commitment to Andie. And though I said til death do us part, and death actually did part still doesn't feel like it yet (yes, there is still some denial going on here). I've joked to my closest friends that I did it for love the first time around, but the next time I'm gonna marry for money because the odds of me finding the perfect love like I had with Andie again is a million to one, so I better not hope for that. Truthfully, I don't think I'll ever get married again. I'm not opposed to dating or having a companion, but marriage is so sacred. I do believe that I found my true soul mate in Andie, and that I could never find another who fits me so perfectly. I think if I were to marry again I would always feel like I just settled for the next best thing. And I don't settle.

So I was thinking about what it would actually be like for some man to unwittingly walk into my life right now...boy would he be in for it! I wrote up my personal ad for when I think I'm ready to venture into the world of dating here goes.

Single, white, widow with twins seeking a self-sacrificing man that can understand he will always live in my dead husband’s shadow, and he will never really be able to measure up. Must be willing to endure crying jags and temper tantrums on a moment’s notice- either from me or one of my children. Willingness to take on mortgage payments and a part-time live in mother-in-law a plus! Seeking a man that will be okay with rarely having my undivided attention and who loves to help out around the house. Must want a perfectionistic and demanding woman, nicely packaged with a few signs of wear and tear (i.e. stretch marks and hail damage on the thighs). To claim your baggage call anytime- but leave a message as I probably won’t be available to answer during working hours on a weekday, or between the evening hours of 5-9 as I’m busy with the dinner, bath, bed-time, clean the house, routine with twins.

And I think to myself, "Yeah- Good luck with that"...


  1. i'm with you here...very, very hard to imagine both- being alone- or being with someone else. i think it's ok though- it's WAY too early to even imagine.

  2. Hi Brooke - thought I'd check out your blog too :) I could have written this blog a few years ago, and did write a similar personal ad in an email to a friend. Yours made me laugh out loud. Keep the humor, it has made all the difference for me. Hugs to you - Michelle

  3. I stumbled upon your blog through another and first of all would like to say I am so sorry you have lost such an incredible man, husband and father but am so glad you are able to share so many wonderful things about him-what a tribute you give to him whenever you write.
    As for finding someone, it might be a long way down the road but from what I have read, it will be your sense of humor that would get you made me laugh out loud with your 'ad'.
    I hope you know there are many people out 'here' thinking of you and sending our love even when you don't know it. Hugs.

  4. You're gorgeous, smart, driven AND funny!

    With time comes healing (you know this). One day, you will wake up and realize you have feelings for someone (gasp!). This said "someone" will probably be completely in love with you before you even recognize YOUR feelings for them.

    From there, you will develop a beautiful relationship...

    There is no rush, however. Because…as you also know, we aren't piloting this plane.

  5. Hi Brooke,

    Thanks for sending me your blog link, for showcasing my wares on your blog, and for sharing your story with the world. I am so sorry for your loss. You write so poignantly about your "new normal", and I believe your sharing will be healing and help to heal others - what a gift. Leslie