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Tuesday, September 28, 2010

and PUSH some more...

Growth, change, evolution, excelling, achieving, reaching a goal...they all require pushing the limits and pushing your personal boundaries. Emotional, physical, and spiritual boundaries. Afterall, athletes don't break records by doing the same old routine over and over. They constantly push themselves to go a little further...they don't settle for the status quo.

The other day I shared with you all that "Push" is my new mantra because everyday I have to push through. Today I pushed myself to exercise. It started it out with having to push myself to just put my running shoes on but once I was out there it was easy to push myself some more and actually jog a little. This was an emotional and physical boundary- one of the activities that Andie and I enjoyed together was jogging every night with the girls in the stroller when we got home from work. I haven't gone since he died- it was hard to think about doing it alone but today I decided to push myself. Once I got jogging I pushed myself more and and wouldn't let myself quit when my body wanted to. "Don't stop here, you can make it to the next corner," I'd tell myself. Boy did I feel proud when I got home! The initial push is always the worst, once you get some momentum you don't have to push yourself so hard.

Sometimes we just need a little push, sometimes we need a big push. Sometimes we push ourselves, and sometimes we need others to push us. Sometimes life pushes us- forcing us to reevaluate who we are, grow and change into something new, and come out on the other side enlightened and better for it. Life doesn't settle for status quo! We can't become better, greater, more self-aware people if we don't push ourselves to do more, achieve more, BE more.

So reach out to someone, share a part of yourself, get off the couch, play with your kids, go after your dream...who knows what you'll accomplish if you just PUSH!

Monday, September 27, 2010

100 days, and 100 nights...

Yesterday was the 100th day without Andie. It's getting harder not easier, I feel crazier not saner, and so it goes... A book I'm reading says that grief doesn't come in stages, it comes in waves and cycles- I have to wholeheartedly agree.
You go up and down within an emotion and then move through it, and just when you think you're alright you cycle back around and start all over again. Shock, denial, anger, depression, acceptance- the 5 stages of grief...yet I manage to hit them all at least once a day, sometimes more. Sometimes I move through very quickly and other times I wallow in it. I cry almost every morning and every night but somehow manage to push through the day.
"Push" is my new mantra- I have to push myself to keep going, I have to push through the tough times, I can push through it all one moment at a time...I will push through it.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Today, I choose to be grateful....

Today I choose to be grateful for my beautiful children and their heartwarming giggles! I recently have been feeling very sorry for myself and my girls-that they will grow up without their Daddy here, but today I am choosing to be grateful that they got to know him and love him while he was here. When they crawl over to the table where I keep his picture in the living room and pull up to look at it and wave or blow kisses to him, I feel blessed that they remember him and have a connection to him. It pulls at my heartstrings to see them wave and blow kisses at a picture, but at the same time I am grateful that they know who it is in the picture and want to connect with him.

So what changed my outlook you wonder?!?! Well....

I heard on the news yesterday about a preemie in the NICU in Australia. Everyday her parents drove an hour each way to visit her in the NICU- they did this twice a day to see their baby girl. On the way home a few days ago they were in a car accident and both parents were killed. It jolted me back to reality to realize that this poor little girl will never know either of her parents or remember anything about them- she is only 13 days old. My girls at least had enough time with their Daddy to know who he is and to have built a bond with him. They also still have one parent left, which means I need to get in the game and quit feeling sorry for myself. They need an active, involved, in-the-moment mommy who can teach them all about their daddy.

My committment to my beautiful children is to be present with them, relishing the gift of time that we have together, bonding with them as often as I can and not merely going through the daily motions of being a parent. It's easy to get stuck in the ruts and routines of life and not really be in the here and now- I challenge all of you to find a way to be more present with yourselves and your children...and remind me to be present with mine!

Grief comes in waves and cycles, and today is a good day. Tomorrow may not hold the same fortune- I am learning to take the good moments as they come and savor them. I have many blessings, so today I choose to be grateful.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Today is 3 months that Andie has been gone and though it sounds like a short time, it feels like an eternity. The shock is wearing off and I've had a lot more emotional days, especially this past week. I know it will get harder before it gets easier and that pretty much sucks!

The girls are doing so well, they are 32" tall and got to move to big girl car seats facing forward this week! They are so proud of themselves! Addie is very close to walking and she stood up unassisted and stayed standing without holding onto anything for the first time today! They are both talking up a storm. They say, "mama", "dada", "ba-ba"-for bottle, and "bye-bye". They can sign "more" and Addie will sometimes say "nigh-nigh" for night-night. Addie also got her first haircut this week- it was really just a snip of a few stray hairs but that still counts right?!

I'm so sad that Andie is missing out on all of this fun stuff with the girls. People tell me all the time that he can still see them from heaven and I think if I hear that one more time I might scream. I know people are trying to be comforting, but it brings no comfort to me or the girls to not be able to experience things with their dad. It's simply not the same without him physically present.

We'll check in again next week and let you all know how we're doing. Hopefully things will be going a little smoother...

Sunday, September 5, 2010

It's been a while...

So it's been a while since my last post. You've probably noticed a lot has changed on my blog. Well, that's because a lot has changed in my life. Andie passed away on June 18, 2010 and left me with two beautiful daughters to raise. It's taken me a few months to feel like I have my feet back on the ground and even that seems only momentary.

I considered not blogging anymore but have decided that it's a good way for everyone to keep up with how me and the girls are doing- I know you're all wondering. Raising twins is hard, but raising twins as a single parent is TOUGH- and humbling.

I've learned a lot about myself in the past few months. I've had to ask for help more than I'm comfortable with, I've had to compromise on a lot of things, and I've had to adjust my life plan. I've learned that I have more love and support than I ever knew was possible, but I've also learned that all of that seems inconsequential when you've lost your other half. I've learned that grieving for your spouse is just a small piece of the picture. You also grieve the loss of who you were as a wife, the loss of your hopes and dreams, the loss of the future you had planned, and most of all you grieve for your children and how they will never know and experience their dad as you did.

People often ask how I am doing. The truth is: it depends on the moment, the day, the hour, what song is on the radio, what street I'm driving on, or who's asking. I'm doing as well as I can with what I've been given. My girls are my saving grace and keep me looking forward to the next moment, day, or hour...