Surrender...

Stubborn
Driven
Strong-willed
Determined
Perfectionist
Over-achiever
Independent

Yep, that’s me. I’m the one who expects a lot from others but always expects more from myself. I push those around me to achieve but always push myself harder. It used to drive Andie crazy that I pushed him- I just always saw so much more potential in him than he saw in himself and wanted the best for him.

The other day my mom and I got into a little tiff because she had offered her opinion on something regarding the girls and I took it as her trying to tell me how to parent. In discussing this she says, “Brooke, as your mother it’s hard for me because I think you always want to do things the hard way. I just don’t want you to make things harder on yourself than it has to be,”…or something to that effect.

It struck me in that moment as so true. Most other times I would have argued with her, but this time it resounded deep within me. Why do I hold myself to a standard that I would never hold others too? Why do I always have to do things “by myself” or “my way”? I don’t know the answers, but what I do know is that it is something I have to work on. Just because I’ve always been this way doesn’t mean I have to continue to be this way. I’m a different person now than I was 5 months ago and though I hate it, I’m learning to accept it. Perhaps this is one more aspect of me that needs to change.

As my near constant companion these days, Sarah (Mclachlan, that is) says, “the life I’ve left behind me is a cold room”. Maybe I need to quit fighting it. Maybe it’s time to surrender to all this.

This grief.

This process.

This rebirth of me…

Excerpts from “Sweet Surrender” - by Sarah McLachlan
It doesn't mean much
it doesn't mean anything at all
the life I've left behind me
is a cold room

I've crossed the last line
from where I can't return
where every step I took in faith
betrayed me
and led me from my home

and sweet
sweet surrender
is all that I have to give

I miss the little things
I miss the simple things
oh I miss everything
about you

so it doesn't mean much
it doesn't mean anything at all
the life I left behind me
is a cold room


So today, this fighter is throwing in the towel.
I'm waving my white flag.
I surrender.

The “old” me? Doesn’t mean much...