I knew my last post was going to create quite a stir and lots of conversation. "Strong" believers always have the clichéd things to say such as;
There is a reason you will know someday.
God has his purpose.
We are not to question our God, but just to believe in him.
Just have faith.
God will not give us more than we can handle.
I know some will call my faith weak because I question God, but I say "Who are we not to question god?" I believe that my God gave us free will and the ability to question and make our own decisions for a reason. If he wanted us to all blindly follow his ways he would not have given us free will. I believe in a God that is so confident and steadfast that he knows that even when our faith is tested and we doubt him, that we will see the light and come around with a renewed strength of faith.
Those with a “blind” faith who never question are just accepting what they have been told. Those who seek enlightenment and knowledge on their own and still have faith in God despite their unanswered questions, have a conviction that is born out of pain, tragedy, struggle, and triumph. It is a faith that is won in a hard fought battle, but won nonetheless. It is a faith that is earned, not bestowed upon them by acceptance of a religious doctrine.
I believe that relationships are strengthened through trials and tribulations, and when you both come out on the other side still able to say, "I’m here, I want to stay here, and I still love you," then you have reached a new level of commitment- for me it is the same with God. I believe in a God that wants us to question, that allows us to be angry with him, that understands the need to test his limits, because he ultimately welcomes the opportunity to continue to prove to us that he is here and working in our lives.
So is there a reason that Andie had to die? I’m still not sure I can swallow this one, it’s hard to believe that there would ever be a good enough reason for my children to not know their father. But maybe the reason is to renew my faith in Him and strengthen it. Maybe everyone else is right, and I'll know the reason one day.
My faith is stronger because I have been to the brink of wanting to forsake my God, yet I don’t. He has given me every reason not to believe, yet I still do because the alternative is more than I can bear. I want believe…I have to believe.
I just gotta have faith…
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Wow. Amazing post. I couldn't have said things better myself.
ReplyDeleteLoving this right now..."I believe that my God gave us free will and the ability to question and make our own decisions for a reason. If he wanted us to all blindly follow his ways he would not have given us free will. I believe in a God that is so confident and steadfast that he knows that even when our faith is tested and we doubt him, that we will see the light and come around with a renewed strength of faith."
That is definitely the God I believe in. Going through a little faith crisis of my own right now, so I'm totally feeling everything you're saying.
And you're right- what reason would He take such a good man away when people like Charles Manson are alive and well? Why? (For the record, I'm not a believer in the damning/damnation God) Is there a good enough reason? I sure can't think of one. It sucks. Plain and simple. And I don't get it either. I wish I had the answers, too.
Brooke, I could have written this myself. My grandfather played a huge role in my faith, and I remember the day he said it was perfectly fine to question God. At first I was shocked, but then as I grew up, and that's kind of all I did. I have been shaken to the core like you, I have questioned Him, and He has never left me. When I could have run from Him, my belief has only gotten stronger. Hang in there, and just try to keep breathing. It's all we can do! Huge HUGS to you, and your absolutely adorable twins!!
ReplyDeletei wondered onto your blog through the ywbb... i'm so glad. i also am a widowed mom of identical twins. (mine are 2) i am 28 (until next month) my husband died august 23rd, 2010. i can relate to you in many many ways. in these past couple of months, i have found myself clinging to my faith, to my God, like never before. He is the one predictable thing... the one thing that will never change and that is ALWAYS good. (even though his perfect plan is impossible to see at times like this)
ReplyDeletejust wanted to introduce myself and say hi. my blog is private, but e-mail me at nberg1228@yahoo.com and i can add you.
glad to find your blog. ~nikki
for me, also a christian- it was people telling me my husband's death was just a result of a "broken, fallen world." That just isn't good enough for me.
ReplyDeleteThe further along I get in the grief journey- I actually find comfort in believing God had something to do with his death. And I've heard it put this way- he is not the orchestrator- but the arranger and governor.
i've come to accept that i will never know a "reason" why my husband died at 33. i heard something very profound though- "if you believe in a God big and powerful enough to have changed the outcome- so much so that you could be angry with him for not doing it- you also have to then believe He could have reasons well beyond your understanding."
Certainly there will never be anything I see here on earth that will be redeeming about my husband's death-life is just not that formulaic or simple. though I do hope that there will be something redeeming about my grief- another distinction that has helped me a lot.
I just said a prayer for you, hoping that God will soon answer your questions. Give Him time and He will come through for you, like He did with me. Of course, it's still early, why would you like God right now after what has happened in the last few months?
ReplyDeleteI have recently stumbled across your blog and notice that we have so much in common. Widowhood is a club for which we don't want to belong, but I am glad we can all get together (via Camp Widow or the WWW) and make the most of our short lives here on earth.
Absolutely, incredibly said! I am amazed at how deeply and beautifully you can express your emotions. I am so proud of you and even more proud to be your mom...So glad Im considered a"plus" in your widowed singles profile!Think you should publish these for the girls to have and hold all their lives.
ReplyDeleteHugs ,MOM