Ugh... I was gonna surrender. I had every intention of giving it a valiant effort. The problem is... I can't. I'm a fighter. I don't give up and I don't give in.
I can't give in to this grief thing yet. I want to, or at least I think I do. I know I need to. But for some reason I just can't. I am stubbornly NOT accepting that this really is it. This sleep- deprivation, doing-it-all-alone, never-having-a-break life is what I'm stuck with.
To make a long story short, the girls have been extremely fussy, obstinate, and not sleeping through the night for the past 5 days- which makes for a mommy that is extremely fussy, obstinate, and not sleeping through the night. Not a good combo.
It is so draining to not have the other half of my tag team. There is no hope of passing the buck when he gets home from work in a few hours, or when he gets home from the ranch in a day or two...this is just a never ending reality with no end in sight and no reprieve to look forward to- I will do this alone for the rest of my life. At times it feels so hopeless.
I know I should be blogging about all the things for which I am grateful, instead of complaining about my lot in life. The truth is it all seems so cliche- of course I'm grateful for my children, family, friends, great support system, awesome job, blah, blah, blah.
What I'm not grateful for is like the elephant in the room. The big looming issue glaring me in the face. I'm not thankful, in fact, I'm quite bitter about so much. I think what hurts the most these days is that it didn't have to be this way. If medical intervention had proceeded as it should have when we sought it, then he would be sitting here with me; lamenting the crazy holiday schedule coming up, wondering what demons have possessed our children in the past five days and looking up how to perform exorcisms on the internet, and happily refilling my wine glass. From a box, no less.
Yep, it's gotten that bad. I'm actually drinking wine from a box.
Sigh. Is it too early in the season to say, "Bah humbug"?
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i second this. funny- my little girl has also been extremely fussy and i've been getting no sleep either and EXHAUSTEd- then more emotional. I'm wondering if they sense what we're feeling about the holidays? I am completely with you on all of this. Thanks for expressing it so well. I wish I could be there having a glass of wine with you.
ReplyDeleteHi Brooke,
ReplyDeleteI recently discovered your blog and I want to tell you how amazing you are. I appreciate your points of view and your energy that comes across through your writing. And I can tell you that it is not too early to say "Bah humbug". My husband died suddenly 20 months ago, and last year we ran away for Christmas.
The great thing about blogs is that you get to write about whatever you want to, and sometimes getting all the negative stuff out is very helpful. When we've lost the one person who was always there to support us, having others out there who get it can be very healing. Somehow knowing I'm not alone in whatever I'm going through helps to keep me afloat.
Hope the girls start sleeping soon!
Debbie
I just wished we all lived closer together so we can help each other with some of the extra chores and w(h)ining at the same time!
ReplyDeleteI'm almost 3 years out and still say "bah humbug". Holidays just add more things to do on our already long list of things to do...and we still can't relax when everything is done...because there is always more. I have 2 young children and if I knew I would have had to raise them alone, I don't think I would have done it. I'm still waiting on my "someday" when it was all worth it.
Thinking of you during this difficult time of the year, hoping that memories of Thanksgiving pasts help to comfort you.