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Friday, February 3, 2012

Live for now

"The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but the live in the present moment wisely and earnestly." - Buddha

One thing I am grateful for in this process of loss is how it has forced me to discover the real me. It has forced me to understand that life is fleeting and I want to enjoy the rest of mine as much as possible. I want to feel alive and excited about my future. It has forced me to see that spontaneity and having fun is actually okay, I don't have to carefully and meticulously plan my life so as to always be the "responsible" one. It has shown me that it's okay to make mistakes, it's okay to do things my way and not care so much about what others think, and it's okay to take risks. I've learned so much about myself in the past year and a half.  Grief has taught me to take an honest look at who I am and what I believe in.  It has made me more aware of what is truly important to me.

Some of you may remember that not long after Andie died I briefly, but seriously considered packing up and moving to Costa Rica for a year. I had the sudden urge to flee everything I had ever known and start over. I wanted to not take one more minute for granted and wanted to take advantage of every opportunity to do something fun, and exhilarating, and crazy.

Well, while I am not moving to Costa Rica permanently, I have rented a house there for a month this summer. I want my girls to have fun childhood memories to look back on. I want them to remember the mother as someone who enjoyed life, and really lived. I have made a promise to myself that every summer we will travel somewhere fun, and exciting, and to a place where they can learn about the world and a different culture.

I've also decided to get a tattoo. Something Andie would totally be against. But that's okay, because I've decided to get the tattoo for me. I haven't completely decided on the design yet but it will be something in honor of him. I'm sure it will incorporate my mantra "Push" to remind to always keep pushing.

Keep pushing the boundaries of my comfort level.

Keep pushing myself to grow as a person.

Keep pushing myself to move forward and live authentically for me.

Just keep pushing...


  1. Love this! You are amazing, seriously! Your motto push makes me think of Dori on Nemo...
    Just keep swimming!

  2. Reading your blog has been good for my souls, as our stories have paralleled lately. I'm so glad you've found yourself in this place. Blessings and peace.

  3. Your first paragraph feels like I could have written it myself. I love your blog and I love that you've started writing again. I'm 32 years old from Cape Town and I lost my husband 5 months ago due to a motorbike accident. I also have two girls 4 and 9 and your story is so very relatable. If you ever feel the need to come this side of the world during your summer (althought it'll be winter here) you're welcome to free accomodation and whatever is available :) Yes I know I'm a stranger and you don't know me but Cape Town is beautiful and you should come visit some day :) All the best to you and your girls on your journey. Regards, Audrey

    1. Thanks for the generous offer! I'll consider it as I am becoming more brave in my willingness to travel!