Blur

There is a near constant fluctuation between my two worlds. More and more I feel like my life with Andie is vanishing and I’m grasping at things to hold onto, while also trying to be present and in the moment with my current life and appreciate it for all the good there is, but the lines keep getting blurred.

I recently changed several framed pictures on the walls. I took out a wedding photo and some of Andie and me with the twins when they were infants, and replaced them with the new pictures I recently had done of me and the girls together. My mom cried when she first noticed that the old pictures were gone. I cried then too because it’s all still so remarkably sad. But I justify it to myself by trying to believe that even if he were still alive I would’ve changed photos from when they were infants to more current ones. This doesn’t assuage the pain too much though.

This weekend I gave our dog away. The one I bought Andie for our one year wedding anniversary. I just was not able to keep up with the demands of an active dog anymore, and wanted him to be in a good home where he would get the attention he deserved. It was so hard to think of letting go of our first “baby”. So many memories returned that reminded me how innocent and naïve I was about life. How I never thought our dog would outlive my husband. How I never really thought our lives would be anything but mundane and normal. We would have a dog, a couple of kids, build a house, and be happy. I was reminded of the time when Andie’s best friend’s daughter was caught drinking out of the dog dish in our backyard, I think she was less than 2 years old then… I am saddened because I essentially don’t have contact with these friends anymore due to a minor conflict we had on the one year anniversary of Andie’s death. And though I apologized for my overly emotional behavior, (which I would’ve thought would be forgiven given the heightened emotional state of that day), and though I tried several times after that to reach out to them, I barely have contact with this couple. I hear from the husband through text messages on holidays, but the wife has not spoken to me since she emailed me the day after and said she was too upset to discuss the issue. That was 9 months ago. The dog is gone. The friends are gone. There is not one part of my life that has not been touched by his death and irrevocably changed because of it.

So I let go of our dog and wished him well to a better place, trying to believe that Andie is in a better place too. Hoping that it is true for both of them. And later in the day I had a wonderful afternoon at the river with this man who has become so special to me. We went to the homeowner’s park on the river where I have membership because of the land Andie and I bought together. Where we dreamed of building a home to raise our family. The dreams of Andie and I building our home there and raising our family are gone, to be replaced now with new dreams and new plans…I will build a home there by myself now. And I have to raise our children in a different way than I expected, creating a new idea of what family is...


My boyfriend and I had a picnic, and walked along the river and fished, and spent some quality time together. It was peaceful, and calm, and happy.  As we were walking to the car he made a comment about the river park being a place where some great memories could be made together... “picture memories” were the actual words he used. I smiled at the thought of he and I creating new memories together.
 
The juxtaposition of all these old memories fading away and new ones being made to replace them seems surreal. It’s like two watercolors mixing…the lines blur and they seep into each other becoming a different color altogether. Changing the original state of both irrevocably.

That is how it feels for me now. The old and the new being mixed together, the lines blurring, and in doing so irrevocably changing what has been...and what will be.

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The stakes are high and the water is rough...but it's all worth it when you can lay down at night and be at peace with yourself. And more importantly it's all worth it when you know the one watching over you is at peace too.

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This place

Source: facebook.com

This is the place where I still feel Andie's presence. This is the place where I still talk to him and I know he hears me. This is the place where for just a second my life is still the same as it always was. This is the place of dreams...

Limbo

Before Andie died there weren't so many questions. Things were relatively permanent. I was married to this man. I would raise these kids. We would live in this town. Our kids would go to these schools. We would stay in these jobs.

Now everything feels so in limbo. One piece of the puzzle missing dramatically alters the whole picture. I keep up with the other widows who started this journey about the same time I did. We are all in limbo. Some are in new relationships, some are engaged, some are merging new families and becoming step-parents, some have moved homes, some have changed jobs. Some have done more than one of these things. Some have done none.

It is hard to have your life pretty well mapped out only to find yourself in uncharted territory without a compass. It is hard to make sense of this feeling; exhilarated about a second chance and new options while profoundly sad that none of it is what you ever really wanted. I suspect that like me, they too have some anxiety about it all. Longing for the ease and normalcy that comes when you think you know how it all will work out.

2nd Annual Triple A 5k

(**I know the logo says 1st annual still...I just haven't had time to edit it!)

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