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Saturday, April 21, 2012

Second best

They sit in the chair next to the table with his picture. Addie picks up the picture and the following conversation ensues:
Addie: "Allie, give him kiss."
Allie kisses the picture
Addie: "Now hug"
Allie leans into the picture as if to hug him
Addie: "Oh, so sweet to daddy!"

The only thing I want to give them in this world is the unconditional love they deserve from the man who matters the most. Their father.  And I can't, and no substitute will ever be good enough in my eyes.  Granted, anyone who becomes a part of this family will be the only father they will ever know and remember in that role. And for that reason, I understand that they won't know the true difference.  But I do.  And it breaks my heart. It kills me that they will come to know and love someone as their father, but to that person they will always be his step-children.  It feels lopsided and unfair for them as they will have unconditional love and adoration for the only "father" they've ever known because they don't have a comparison, but that person I fear can't ever have the same unconditional love and adoration because they are not his. 

I've said it before and I'll say it do you ever come to accept second best for your children?


  1. I cant begin to say I "get" your feelings as I have never been in the position you are, but I think I can understand what you are saying and why you would feel that way. But, on the flip side, I can also say that someone coming into the girls lives at such a young age could love them unconditionally, as their own, just as any person who has adopted a child knows. You love your children when they are born, yes, but you grow to love them more and more each day and as you see them grow and change and become their own individuals you love them for those traits. Will anyone replace Andie in your heart, no, you will always love him and the wonderful gifts he gave you but there is room to love another, just as they will have room to love your little ones as their own.
    I have no doubt from following your blog for the past years that you are an incredible mother and will make a well-informed decision who you bring into the girls lives and if you trust your heart and your head you will bring someone amazing to them to give them the love they deserve. Take care and thanks for sharing your heart, Em

  2. Thanks for sharing that with me...I hadn't thought about it that way and you're right. We do come to love our children more and more as they grow and the relationship develops, and adopted kids are loved just as much too. Thanks for helping shift my perspective a bit.

  3. This is particularly sad to me as I am a step father to 2 amazing children. I've been their step father for 2 years, a boy 12 & girl 6. First of all, I would have NEVER married their mother if I had any doubts that I was in absolute love with her children. They have a father who is active in their life, I happen to like him as well. But before I married my wife, I took the time to get to know & love my step children, just as I love my children and my nieces and nephews. If my sister and brother in law both decease while their children are under age, my wife and I will become their guardians. Because we love them "unconditionally". I hope the person who comes into your life and choses you and your kids never comes across this blog. If my wife felt I were "2nd best" at loving her children, that would cut so deeply, a wound that may never be healed. And if she ever had these thoughts, which she very well may have, I'm glad she never said them outloud for all the world to read. I truly feel for you. Good luck.

  4. You are as defensive about your feelings as I am mine, an entire blog responding to my comments?! I was sharing my entitled opinion with honesty just as you do. Your emphasis on "anonymous" is interesting. I choose privacy for the sake of the children involved in my life. Entitlement. I get the feeling you are offended at the slightest ounce of comparison to a divorced parent. Would you have felt different about my response if I had shared my entire truth...I lost my precious wife and son in a fatal accident 7 years 2 months 13 days ago? My surviving son is a stepchild and loved unconditionally. You see, it's impossible to tell your whole truth in a blog or a comment. The part I didn't share was not relevant. Or was it?