I couldn't have said it better...

I have felt rather uninspired in terms of having things to write about...all of the feelings, thoughts, and emotions are coming full circle and I've already discussed them so there is not much I feel needs to be shared again just for the sake of having something to post.

I saw the following post on one of my fellow widow's blogs and it perfectly describes how I've been thinking and feeling. Rather than reinvent the wheel, or plagiarize, I've included a link to her post. If you're curious about how I'm doing, take a gander....


One Day At A Time-The Behavior of the Bereaved

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Can you hear me?

"Address in the Stars" by Caitlin & Will

I stumbled across your old picture today
I could barely breath
The moment stopped me cold,
Grabbed me like a thief.
I dialed your number, but you wouldn't be there
I knew the whole time, but it's still not fair
I just wanted to hear your voice,
I just needed to hear your voice.

What do I do with all I need to say
So much I wanna tell you everyday
Oh it breaks my heart,
I cry these tears in the dark
I write these letters to you,
But they get lost in the blue,
'Cause there's no address in the stars.

Now I'm drivin'
Through the pitch black dark
I'm screaming at the sky
Oh cause it hurts so bad
Everybody tells me
Oh all I need is time
Then the mornin' rolls in
And it hits me again
And that aint nothin' but a lie.

What do I do with all I need to say
So much I wanna tell you everday
Oh it breaks my heart,
I cry these tears in the dark
I write these letters to you,
But they get lost in the blue,
'Cause there's no address in the stars.

Without you here with me,
I don't know what to do.
I'd give anything
Just to talk to you
Oh it breaks my heart,
Oh it breaks my heart,
But all I can do
Is write these letters to you,
But there's no address in the stars.

Andie,
There is so much I want to say to you and share with you. I talk to you throughout the day in my head and imagine the things I think you would say back to me. I carry on these imaginary conversations and somehow it keeps you alive for at least a little while, a moment here and there. It seems almost anything can make you cross my mind. Here's a sampling of how my thoughts went today.

I miss you. I wish I had been able to dream about you last night.

I got to work and my laptop was stolen over the holidays. I had to file a police report and when the officer pulled out his little notepad it made me think of you. I must have a dozen notepads just like them that you used on duty to write down tidbits of important information...sometimes I look through them just to see your handwriting.

Allie stood up on her own yesterday and walked 3 teensy tiny baby steps- she was so proud of herself. I was so proud of her. I know you would have been too. Wish you could've seen it.

I've been amazed by the genuine concern that some of your friends show me. I am so touched when one of them calls or emails to say they have read the blog, are thinking of me, or just to share how they are doing or what they're feeling. It is so comforting to know that they have been thinking of you and that they still haven't forgotten you. I can hear you saying, "Yeah, he's a pretty good guy"...

I've also been amazed by some of them who are out of touch or just do the obligatory "check in" text every now and then. I think it would surprise you too so see who is looking out for "your girls" and who doesn't so much. You would've expected more from some of them...I'm sad to think of you disappointed.

I've developed a deeper level of respect and admiration for your brother. He is so good with the girls and I can tell they love him. They've all developed a very special bond. Watching him play and interact with them in a fatherly fashion is almost as good as if you were here. Almost.

I love you. I wish I still had the last voicemail you left me on my phone. I really just want to hear you say you love me.

The car needs air in the tires and has for weeks but I just keep forgetting to do it...you would've taken care of it already. I'm getting better about checking the gas gauge and not letting it get to empty- I think this would make you proud.

These are just a few of the things I think to tell you today, but you probably already knew all this somehow in the realm you now exist in. At least I hope so. I hope that you can hear me and know when I am thinking of you. I hope that you can see all of the wonderful things the girls are doing each day. I choose to believe that you can because what else do I have, really?

So can you hear me? Can you?

Time capsule...

I've heard it said that your house reflects your state of mind and this is so true for me. I used to be pretty organized and now there is clutter on every surface because I can’t focus long enough, or care enough to put things in their proper place. My thoughts are jumbled and chaotic- never staying in one place for long. I want to get organized and clear the clutter, but I can’t find the energy. The other way this house reflects my state of mind is that I think of Andie all the time, and I haven't changed one thing in this house since he died. Having him on my mind all the time is probably why I don’t want to change anything, or maybe because I haven’t changed anything is why I think of him all the time. The proverbial chicken or the egg? I don’t know. I just can’t believe that this is my life- I don’t know how this happened to me. So most of the time I pretend that it didn't, that he's going to come home soon, that this is all just a bad dream.

I feel a tension and irritability well up inside me when I'm in this house. I don’t feel it when I'm sitting at the lake and I didn’t feel while on vacation, and I wonder if it’s a sign that I should start fresh. Close the door on this house and all it holds, and start new. I've considered building a new house on our land, or trying to find a small house on the lake to move to. I mentioned this to Mom and my best friend the other day and they suggested I make some changes here first to see if that makes a difference and helps. Like rearrange furniture, redecorate, paint, etc. There is a visceral reaction deep inside me that is vehemenently opposed to this- though I hide that emotion from them at the time. Trying to be reasonable and hear them out. Later that evening Mom suggests cleaning things out, reorganizing, and maybe giving some of his things away to people who will find them meaningful/useful. I immediately cry when she brings this up- thinking about getting rid of his possessions cuts me to the quick. The thought of changing anything can reduce me to tears faster than almost anything else, which tells me I'm not ready.

The problem is that this house is like my time capsule. I don’t want anything to change no matter how small because to move things or get rid of things, especially things that were his would feel like erasing him and I don’t want to feel like he didn’t exist. I want proof that he was here and left his mark. His hat collection still hangs in the entry hall, his uniform shirts are pressed and hanging in the closet as though he will come home to wear them, his handcuffs, keys, pens, etc. are all where he left them on the valet. I don’t even want to throw his shoe polish away though I have absolutely no use for it. It's like anything he touched is sacred. I feel like the only way to truly hold on to him is to live inside the space he inhabited, touch the things he touched, breath the air he breathed, yet...

I want a change. I want a different life somewhere else, not a different life here. Because to change things here won’t make it better- just different. To get rid of his things or move them won’t erase the pain, but I’m afraid it will erase the memories. I don’t trust my mind to hold the memory of how things were so I want to preserve it all like a time capsule…so I can look back and know that my life with him was real. That I really had him for a time to call mine. That this all isn't an illusion.

I want to leave this place just as it is in my mind, so that when I look back in years to come I can open the time capsule in my mind and nod with comfort to myself,
"yes, yes...that is how it was. it all was true-the good and the bad."