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Monday, January 3, 2011

Can you hear me?

"Address in the Stars" by Caitlin & Will

I stumbled across your old picture today
I could barely breath
The moment stopped me cold,
Grabbed me like a thief.
I dialed your number, but you wouldn't be there
I knew the whole time, but it's still not fair
I just wanted to hear your voice,
I just needed to hear your voice.

What do I do with all I need to say
So much I wanna tell you everyday
Oh it breaks my heart,
I cry these tears in the dark
I write these letters to you,
But they get lost in the blue,
'Cause there's no address in the stars.

Now I'm drivin'
Through the pitch black dark
I'm screaming at the sky
Oh cause it hurts so bad
Everybody tells me
Oh all I need is time
Then the mornin' rolls in
And it hits me again
And that aint nothin' but a lie.

What do I do with all I need to say
So much I wanna tell you everday
Oh it breaks my heart,
I cry these tears in the dark
I write these letters to you,
But they get lost in the blue,
'Cause there's no address in the stars.

Without you here with me,
I don't know what to do.
I'd give anything
Just to talk to you
Oh it breaks my heart,
Oh it breaks my heart,
But all I can do
Is write these letters to you,
But there's no address in the stars.

There is so much I want to say to you and share with you. I talk to you throughout the day in my head and imagine the things I think you would say back to me. I carry on these imaginary conversations and somehow it keeps you alive for at least a little while, a moment here and there. It seems almost anything can make you cross my mind. Here's a sampling of how my thoughts went today.

I miss you. I wish I had been able to dream about you last night.

I got to work and my laptop was stolen over the holidays. I had to file a police report and when the officer pulled out his little notepad it made me think of you. I must have a dozen notepads just like them that you used on duty to write down tidbits of important information...sometimes I look through them just to see your handwriting.

Allie stood up on her own yesterday and walked 3 teensy tiny baby steps- she was so proud of herself. I was so proud of her. I know you would have been too. Wish you could've seen it.

I've been amazed by the genuine concern that some of your friends show me. I am so touched when one of them calls or emails to say they have read the blog, are thinking of me, or just to share how they are doing or what they're feeling. It is so comforting to know that they have been thinking of you and that they still haven't forgotten you. I can hear you saying, "Yeah, he's a pretty good guy"...

I've also been amazed by some of them who are out of touch or just do the obligatory "check in" text every now and then. I think it would surprise you too so see who is looking out for "your girls" and who doesn't so much. You would've expected more from some of them...I'm sad to think of you disappointed.

I've developed a deeper level of respect and admiration for your brother. He is so good with the girls and I can tell they love him. They've all developed a very special bond. Watching him play and interact with them in a fatherly fashion is almost as good as if you were here. Almost.

I love you. I wish I still had the last voicemail you left me on my phone. I really just want to hear you say you love me.

The car needs air in the tires and has for weeks but I just keep forgetting to do would've taken care of it already. I'm getting better about checking the gas gauge and not letting it get to empty- I think this would make you proud.

These are just a few of the things I think to tell you today, but you probably already knew all this somehow in the realm you now exist in. At least I hope so. I hope that you can hear me and know when I am thinking of you. I hope that you can see all of the wonderful things the girls are doing each day. I choose to believe that you can because what else do I have, really?

So can you hear me? Can you?


  1. I'm right with you! I think they can hear us, see us, and are with us every step that we take. I'm sure Andie is soooo proud of his girls!! Oh, and "Address in the Stars" brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it, great song! Love to you and the girls!! :)

  2. having the imaginary conversations too...all the time.

  3. The imaginary conversations and choosing to believe they can see, "...because what else do [we] have?" is painfully familiar. Take Care