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Sunday, January 23, 2011


Allie got sick today. I think she'd been working up to this for a few days. She'd been fussy and not sleeping well and I couldn't really figure out what was wrong. Today she made it abundantly clear exactly what was wrong.

After church we went to a restaurant for lunch and before we could even be sat at our table she vomited all over me, all over herself, all over the bench in the waiting area. My father in-law ended up having to drive us home so I could bathe her and get her in bed. I had to ask my father in-law to stay with me and feed Addie lunch while I got Allie and myself cleaned up.
A couple of hours later we went for round two and she threw up all over me in the recliner. She remained lethargic all day. Not taking an fluids and just wanting to be held. Addie still had to be cared for and I couldn't drop everything for Allie's sake and just let Addie suffer. So my in-laws stayed with me all afternoon and until I got the girls in bed tonight. I literally could not have made it through the afternoon without my in-laws.

And it's not until now, in the quiet and calm of the evening when I am once again alone that the tears come. Because I realize I simply cannot do it all. Because I shouldn't have to rely on my in-laws to sacrifice their entire day to help me. I should have a husband here, who though he would gag at the smell of their vomit, would be in the midst of it all with me. Who would be yelling at me from the kitchen while I'm bathing Allie, "Babe, what am I supposed to feed Addie for lunch?" And I'd yell back, "Give her a hotdog, a cheese stick, and some fruit." And then roll my eyes to myself that he couldn't think of a simple lunch to put together while I am busy washing the chunks of vomit from my daughter. And when she vomited in his favorite recliner he would be disgusted and want to spray it with lysol. I'd tell him to put her clothes in the washer and he would, but he wouldn't know to rinse the vomit in the sink first and I'd be annoyed again. He would've wanted to be helpful so he would've gone out and picked us up dinner, cleaned up the kitchen, picked up the toy room, fed the dogs, and taken out the trash, all without me asking. Then he wouldv'e held those babies tight and cuddled them til they fell asleep in his arms, all the while, telling me to go take a shower, knowing I would need the 20 minutes to myself.

I want him to be here so I can be annoyed at the little things again. So I could have someone who knows me so well that I wouldn't have to tell him what I want from the fast food restaurant, he would just know. I want him here so I can crawl into bed at the end of this night, sigh, and chuckle with him about how crazy he was to spray the furniture with lysol. I would kiss him and tell him that I loved him and that I really appreciated all his help today. He would've said, "But all I did was make a hotdog."

And that would have been enough...


  1. I know I miss someone knowing me too. I miss Him helping because he loved me and wanted to make my life easier not because I nagged him. I love this post because you know exactly what Andie would say and do... I love how well we knew our husbands. I find myself figuring out exactly how a daily scenario would go down if El was still here too. It's all the small stuff thats missed the most.

  2. Ugh, it's these days that hurt me the most! When you can't seem to catch a break, and you just want the one person that knows exactly what to do without being asked. I'm glad you have the in-laws though!! They sound like pretty amazing people! Hugs and love to you and the girls!!

  3. I will fully admit I have no idea what you are going through,but thank you for sharing and know there are so many of us out here thinking of you, praying for you, and loving you. I have been following your blog for quite a while, only written the odd time, and today I felt the need. I wish Andie was there with you today, I wish he was there with you each and everyday and I am so sorry that you don't have your best friend to hold you on these tough days. I am thankful that your in-laws were there, although they didnt need to be, I am glad they were and that you had help-albeit not the help you truly wanted but help in any form. I wish there was something to ease the pain, I know there isn't, but I hope knowing there are people out here learning from you (how to help others, how to be better wives and mothers etc) helps in some small way. Thank you for sharing your life, your loves....

  4. Brooke, I totally get this. I loathe the days I know I can't do it and have to ask for help. It feels even worse because I was already a stay at home mom so I did so much myself...but this is different in so many ways that it becomes impossible. It's so difficult when they are so little, right? I constantly wonder why I am here and there is not enough of me left like a giant piece of me died too. I also miss being annoyed...
    Hugs to you and Miss Allie. Fingers crossed that Addie stays healthy and you too!!