Blindsided...

Allie had a follow up appointment with the dermatologist today to look at her birth mark. The clinic where he sees her is in downtown San Antonio- a place I venture only occasionally. On our way home, the usual route, I see graffiti on a wall that I’ve never seen. The reason I’ve never seen it is because usually at this point in our drive home I was always on the phone to Andie to tell him how the appointment went, only this time I didn’t have him to call.

I wasn’t on autopilot while talking on the phone like usual; this time I was completely aware of my surroundings. Hyper-aware. So aware of all the details I had previously failed to see that it was all grossly unfamiliar. Suddenly I was in a different world. A place I didn’t recognize, and for half a second I actually thought I had taken a wrong turn and was lost. It was disorienting and just one more reminder of how his absence impacts me in ways I never would’ve imagined. Ways I can never prepare for because they hit me out of nowhere. These moments blindside me.

Here I was thinking that the past few days had been going pretty okay. I hadn’t been feeling too sad so maybe I was hitting the “acceptance” stage. Just maybe, I had finally convinced myself that I could acknowledge that this is permanent. That I’ve developed a new normal, and this is just the way it is now. Just when I was starting to think that maybe I'll actually get through this...

I am blindsided once more.
Grief scores again and takes the lead...