Adrift...

I’ve been feeling adrift, floating around with nothing tethering me down. No one to anchor me. I feel myself grasping for connection with others yet it always leaves me unfulfilled. As people continue to move on with their lives and I become less central to their focus, I feel starved for attention. More disconnected than ever. I’m checking email and the blogs more often- hoping there will be a gift in my in-box or a new post someone has put up that will validate me. But nothing fills the emptiness.

The only one who could really be the connection I always needed and wanted is gone. Nobody gets me as well has he did. I will never find another who needs me the way he did. I will never want to be with someone as much as I wanted to be with him; he was just so comfortable to be with. He made it all okay. He gave me purpose. He anchored me and gave me a direction to follow. Now my line has been cut and I’m floating without direction because there is no one to guide me.

I never believed in soul mates when he was alive. I always believed that there were several people we could come across in our life paths who we could settle down and make a happy connection with. I believed that it all had to do with timing, and if each person was ready at the right time then it would work. Most of the time I still believe that, but more and more these days, as I feel adrift and like nobody gets me the way he did, I entertain the idea that perhaps he was my soul mate. My one and only.

Nobody can fill the void. Nobody leaves me satiated.
I’m always clinging and wanting more, and what I realize is that I’m just wanting more of him.