Blindsided...

Allie had a follow up appointment with the dermatologist today to look at her birth mark. The clinic where he sees her is in downtown San Antonio- a place I venture only occasionally. On our way home, the usual route, I see graffiti on a wall that I’ve never seen. The reason I’ve never seen it is because usually at this point in our drive home I was always on the phone to Andie to tell him how the appointment went, only this time I didn’t have him to call.

I wasn’t on autopilot while talking on the phone like usual; this time I was completely aware of my surroundings. Hyper-aware. So aware of all the details I had previously failed to see that it was all grossly unfamiliar. Suddenly I was in a different world. A place I didn’t recognize, and for half a second I actually thought I had taken a wrong turn and was lost. It was disorienting and just one more reminder of how his absence impacts me in ways I never would’ve imagined. Ways I can never prepare for because they hit me out of nowhere. These moments blindside me.

Here I was thinking that the past few days had been going pretty okay. I hadn’t been feeling too sad so maybe I was hitting the “acceptance” stage. Just maybe, I had finally convinced myself that I could acknowledge that this is permanent. That I’ve developed a new normal, and this is just the way it is now. Just when I was starting to think that maybe I'll actually get through this...

I am blindsided once more.
Grief scores again and takes the lead...

Balance Beam...

I realize that all of my relationships are very one-sided right now. They should be reciprocal but they’re not. I’ve never been great at reaching out and making an effort to stay connected with people, but right now it’s worse-it’s just more than I can handle. It takes all of my mental energy to just exist and I don’t have the ability to think about connecting with others, much less actually follow through.

It’s like when you’re a little kid learning how to walk on a balance beam. Each step precarious, and requiring great effort. One little distraction that breaks your concentration sends you tumbling and you’ve lost your balance. After giving birth to two children at one time my equilibrium was off for a while. My focus was on learning how to incorporate two humans into my life who depended solely on me and my husband to exist. Just when I was back on my feet I lost my husband and once again I’ve lost my balance. Now those two little humans depend solely on me and me alone. My confidence has been shaken, and I have to focus and concentrate very hard to just make it through the day. Each step, no matter how small, is scary. One little distraction and I go tumbling…

I know I’m pushing people away, or at the very least not pulling them in my direction. I don’t want people to forget about me. I don’t want people to forget about Andie. I don’t want people to quit talking about him, or sharing things about him. Now that I’m on the back side of a year, past the first 6 months, and this is no longer considered “new” or “fresh” by most standards, I’m terrified that people will forget. I don’t want people to stop checking in or making the effort, but I also understand it’s hard to be on the giving end all of the time…

I wonder if this is why the theme of losing old friends and making new ones is so big in the widow world; lots of widows talk about how the very people they thought they could depend on are suddenly nowhere to be found. We simply don’t have the mental energy to devote to keeping up with friends, and I wonder if they fade away because they get tired of making all the effort. Because they don't understand that they are requiring too much from us. Because just when things are getting back to normal for them, our lives are hit with the full gravity of the situation just as the shock has worn off. Yet, there are those who never give up and keep checking in. I truly thank God for them, and am blessed to have many people like this in my life. I'm just terrified that they too will eventually tire of shouldering all the responsibility to keep our connection going.

I guess what I’m trying to say is…I promise I’ll get my balance back. I'm working on it.
Just please, don’t give up on me...

Signs

I've recently read some books written by mediums describing how our loved ones send us signs from the other side. I've also just finished a book written by another widow chronicling her grief story and the many ways that she received signs from her late husband. So maybe my subconscious mind is primed to be seeing signs, or maybe I'm just more aware of them now that I'm more educated about how to see them.


Nevertheless, I have had several signs come my way in just the past couple of days. A couple of them are slightly obscure and would only mean something to Andie and I, so won't go into describing those, for it would take way too long to give you all the background information for them to seem relevant. But I will share are some of the more obvious ones.


You may remember my post about a week ago where I discussed my desire to maybe move and start fresh somewhere. My mom and best friend had encouraged me to change some things here before I jumped into such a big decision like building a new house. The advice givers say widows aren't supposed to make big decisions the first year anyway- perhaps I should give myself more time. After that conversation I asked Andie to guide me in the right direction, to help me know what he would have wanted, to basically give me a sign. Should I stay here, build a new house on our land, try to find a house on the lake...?

Well, before Andie died we had been talking with a company that helps you be your own contractor to build your house. We had been trying to set up a meeting with them, but our schedules never jived and we never got around to it. Very shortly after Andie died, the rep from the company called me to follow up and see if we could set up a meeting. I explained to him that since the last time we had talked Andie had passed away and I was just not in a position to even consider building a house...I wasn't even sure at that point if I would be able to afford holding on to our land. I told the rep that I needed some time to think about the big decisions and that I would get back in touch with him if and when I decided to move. He expressed his condolences and took me off his list of potential clients. I hadn't heard from him since....

Three days ago I was at work and decided that maybe I should call this guy back and set up a consultation meeting just to see what he had to say. I got online to find the number for their office, but then got busy at work and never called him. Later that evening I got a phone call at home. I didn't recognize the number so I didn't answer. Turns out it was the rep from the company. He left a message and said he hadn't heard back from me and just wanted to see how I was doing. I thought it was a strange coincidence that just hours earlier I had been thinking about calling him but never got around to it. Later that evening I checked my email and he had also emailed me. He asked how I was doing and said he understood the holidays had probably been rough and just wanted to check on me. I responded to his email and told him that it was such a coincidence he had called and emailed because I had meant to call him earlier in the afternoon. I told him that I was interested in coming to one of their seminars or setting up a meeting with him to get some specifics on home building, and see if this was even feasible for me.

Over the next day, I started second guessing myself. Wondering what was I thinking? Building a house is a ton of work, especially when you do it yourself. Where was I going to find the time to devote to overseeing a project of that magnitude, where would I find the money to build the house I really wanted, etc. All of these doubts were flooding in and I started to think that there was no way I should consider building this house on my own.

Then, the guy emails me back. He says I couldn't have picked a better time to want to come to a seminar because the next one they are having is in 2 weeks and the guest speaker who will be discussing her experience is a single mother who was widowed after her husband was in a motorcycle accident. She will share her experience of building a home by herself, and then after the meeting she is opening her home up for a tour. I couldn't help but think that if she could do it, I could do it too.

And maybe, just maybe, this was Andie's way of sending me a sign. Or was it just a coincidence that the very day I had thought to call this company that the rep called me? Then when I had doubts, he made it all the more clear and gave me a second sign that was almost a direct answer to my doubts. Here was another widow on a similar journey. Was it Andie's way of saying, "You can do this babe. I believe in you. You just need to believe in you. Push yourself." Do I want to push myself in this direction because building this house was our dream together and I don't want to let one more part of us die? Or is this the path I'm supposed to take?

Signs...am I choosing to believe the signs because they are pointing me in the direction I think I want to go. If they were pointing in a different direction would I choose not to heed them- would I even see them at all? Are they really signs or just simple coincidences that I'm rationalizing (which I'm pretty damn good at) as signs because they are telling me to do what I want to do?

Oprah says, "Coincidence is God working in your life" Maybe. Maybe not.
What it boils down to is choice...whatever we believe is of our own choosing.
If I want them to be signs from Andie then they are...