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Sunday, May 22, 2011

Finding our way...

"Out of every crisis comes the chance to be reborn, to reconceive ourselves as individuals, to choose the kind of change that will help us grow and fulfill ourselves more completely. "– Nena O’Neill

I attended a new church today with the girls. Just the three of us. Just our little family. Starting something new on our own- making a new way of life for ourselves. I am in a phase of rebirthing who I am and who our family will be without Andie in it. It’s a necessary part of the healing process for me to find my own way again…to choose the kind of change that will help me grow into who I want to be. Only when I find my own way, can I successfully lead the girls and be the strong parent they deserve.

Religion was always a minor point of contention with Andie and I. I being raised Methodist, and he being raised Church of Christ, we didn’t always see things the same way. Before we got married we talked about what religion we’d like to practice and how we’d like to raise our kids one day, but the reality of how we led our lives was far different from the hypothetical conversations we had. As is often the case with these kind of issues.

We said we would allow both religions to be a part of our lives as neither one of us wanted to completely give up who we were in that sense. We would alternate which church we attended, or just find a new one that we both felt comfortable in.

But the reality was that we always went to his church. Only when I really pushed did he agree to visit a Methodist church a time or two. It became something that I acquiesced on just to keep the peace. We didn’t go to church often mainly because he was usually working, but also because it wasn’t hugely important to him. And since I didn’t have a strong connection with his religion I didn’t push the issue. We went when we went. It wasn’t something either one of us felt convicted to do because we hadn’t established a strong bond with the church as a couple.

But through this process my yearning for a deeper spiritual understanding has increased.
I have been longing to reestablish that part of my life.
To rebuild myself, and to rebuild my relationship with God.
So I tried something new today in the hopes that I just might fulfill myself more completely.
In the hopes that maybe I can navigate my way out of this grief and lead us as a family into a new way of life we can call our own.


  1. How did it go? It took us a very long time to find one we were comfortable in. And it ended up being and Episcopal church which is weird for me being Catholic. We just didn't connect to any Catholic churches in the area. I've been reading so much on this lately and even though I feel most comfortable in a Catholic setting, I don't believe God cares where you see Him, how you talk to Him or what you call Him. Im very liberal in that sense. So go where you feel him working in you, weather that be a Methodist church or under a tree. He'll be there. :)

  2. Im so happy to read that you are finding comfort in reclaiming something that was yours. Remembering him in various ways is helpful too, but grief can be an all consuming monster. Sometimes rediscovering parts of yourself, separate from your husband is healing. That can bring peace in and of itself. I'm truly grateful on your behalf that you are continuing to grow into yourself as you learn to live beside grief.

  3. This is such an important part of life and I'm glad I see God's hand in mine. Your words are so familiar...we went to catholic mass every week because of my LH but I grew up methodist, never really fully having an understanding of God. I have now found a bible type church in my new location which has really helped me get closer to God, more than I ever did when I was married, and see how I matter to Him. I wish you the same! It's also fun to share it with the kids and have a more concrete place for explanations of Heaven to the kids. Good luck on your new spiritual journey!