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Monday, May 9, 2011

ugly side

Looking back at some recent interactions I have had with those close to me I realize now how emotionally guarded I must have been my whole life. I didn’t really understand how much I have kept people at a distance. And continue to keep others at a distance…until now. Now I see me for what I am: vulnerable, terrified of getting hurt, afraid to show weakness.

It is hard for me to accept that sometimes “good things” just happen…I’ve always felt like the kind of person who draws in the “bad things happen to good people” vibe from the universe so I always have my guard up. I’m in a constant state of hyperawareness, overanalyzing, planning my escape route. Waiting for the other proverbial shoe to drop, and never wanting someone else to get the best of me. It takes me a long time to trust someone and even those who are in my closest inner circle rarely get a glimpse of how I truly feel. I’m a born skeptic, constantly thinking about the “what if’s”. I find myself pushing the limits to see how far I can go, sure that when I cross the limit and someone finally gives up on me, I can stand back and place the blame on them for not being able to take all that I dish out. Not always giving due credit for what they did do and how long they did endure.

Ridiculously immature of me. I see now the ugly side of me. The martyr, the “woe is me”, the “can’t I catch a break” whiny side. I wonder how difficult Andie must have found it to be in this constant sparring match of wits with me. Always trying to stay one step ahead and continually reassure me. Sometimes feeling as though he could never win…in truth, cause he couldn’t. I never let him. I see now that when I thought he was giving up on me, he was really just refusing to engage in a losing battle. Knowing I’d always come around somehow. I want to tell him how sorry I am. That I didn’t realize how difficult I was being. That if he were still here I’d start letting him win every now and then. Recently, I have begun to embrace the idea of sharing my honest feelings and have been surprised by how freeing it is to allow someone to see through you. To the real you. And I like it.

The grief process is funny; it’s not always about the grief. More often it turns out to be about you and your underlying issues. It continually challenges us to reevaluate who we are and face things we were never forced to face before, and in doing so we have a new perspective on who we once were. We see ourselves through a vastly different lense. It’s not always fun, and it’s definitely not always pretty.

I realize now how unfair it is to keep people at a distance.
I want to let them in.
I want to be able to share myself on a genuine level.
I just have to start letting go of the fear…


  1. I love that you are learning this. Grief is a teacher I wouldnt wish on anyone, but it sure can drive home a lesson. I too was very guarded my whole life but have opened up tremendously after my husband died. I think it's because I realized at his funeral how important relationships are to our lives and legacies. At the end of the day, I'd rather people be able to say that they knew me and loved me for who I am (human and inherently imperfect) than as someone who did everything right. Quality relationships make for a richer life. They cannot replace your life, but they can help create new spaces in your life for growth and meaning. Besides, I think that living your life and sharing it with others is an honor to your husband's legacy. He would be proud of you, no doubt.

  2. They cannot replace your loss..not "life." I guess I had life on the brain there : )

  3. I just had a huge post, and google erased it. My twins are just a bit younger than your girls. I think that whenever we are faced with difficult circumstances the only way to grow is to look within.

    My twins were never supposed to be, I'd had a tubal ligation 2 years prior. At 18 weeks of pregnancy they were diagnosed with TTTS and faced possible death. It came right after my husband had major eye surgery. And the day before my surgery for the boys, I sang It is Well With My Soul, and I meant it. I realized that God have brought these boys into our life, and He had a purpose for the pregnancy.

    Since that time I've become more open, and learned that not everyone has to like me.