Ten months today and it still does not seem real to me. Many days I feel like he is on an extended trip and most definitely will return soon. I delude myself into thinking that this is all not really happening. It is only in small increments that my mind can process that he is never going to walk through the door again.
I dreaded this anniversary because the girls were only 10 months old when he died, and I feared that it would be hard to consider that half their lives he has not been with them. It is sad to think that from this day forward they will have had more time without him than with him. I am particularly sad for my girls today- more so than for me. I am hit with the gravity of how much they will miss. Have already missed. How little they knew of him. I had about 10 years with him, they only 10 months. Months they will never remember. And no matter how much I tell them about him, they will never truly know him like I did.
I am extremely sad that in all likelihood they will one day think of another man as their father. I want them to have a father figure and I want them to have the emotional connection with a man they can love, trust, admire, and look up to. But I am not okay with the fact that it will not be with their father. The man who helped create them. Who loved them with every ounce of his being just because they were his. I am not ready to accept that another man could love them as much, and as well as their own father. And for that I feel angry that they are the ones getting cheated. How do you ever begin to accept second best for your children?
Every night as I take them to bed we stop at his picture and tell him goodnight, that we love him, and that we want him to visit us in our dreams so we can tell him about our day. I wonder when the day will come when they ask me why we talk to this picture. Who is this man that we have to say goodnight to?
For on that day, the charade will end and I just might actually believe that he's really gone...
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thinking of you- yes, the grief for our children is the most searing kind...
ReplyDeleteI just saw that you are a fellow school psych. You are resilient. Your mindset is inspiring to me as a fellow widow and as an SP. Your children are blessed. I have no doubt that you will raise them to be kind, purposeful adults.
ReplyDeleteAs if I could write it myself. My daughter was 4 mos old when my husband died and she thought every picture was "daddy"...even a pic of a tree on the wall. It has been an interesting ride, trying to figure out what my kids are thinking of where there father is...although sad, but many times enjoyable.
ReplyDeleteBut, I do know that at 3 years of age now, she is jealous of my son who had 3 years with him..she even steals his memories and uses them as her own, saying "remember when Daddy and I use to ride our bikes?"
Good luck with it all...enjoy the ride. We are here for you, just a short piece of internet away.
Oh Brooke, the daddy thing. Owen is calling other men Daddy. It is painful to think about, isn't it? I cannot begin to express how much I appreciate you sharing your journey. Today, I shed tears reading your blog. Your girls are so close in age to my son. I feel the pain and the questions you have about his connection to their future. Most days I avoid thinking about it because it is so profoundly heartbreaking. Much love to you!
ReplyDelete"How do you ever begin to accept second best for your children?"
ReplyDeleteMy sentiments exactly, something I will never be able to do, I fear.
Prayers for you tonight. And those beautiful girls.
hey Brooke. I'm so excited I found your blog. I'm a new follower, I hope you will as well. I started my blog a little over a month ago. It's all about celebrity fashion from the point of view of an LA stylist. Stop by to see multiple post a day on all the latest celebrity fashion news and check out pictures from the fall/winter preview I attended yesterday in Beverly Hills. Would love your support. xoxo
ReplyDeletewww.fashboulevard.blogspot.com