The necklace with his ring on it is sitting on my bathroom counter amongst a pile of random jewelry that I haven’t gotten around to putting back in its proper place in my jewelry box. I took it off 9 days ago. I thought I’d make it to a year at least before I decided I didn’t need the weight of its security around my neck.
I took it off mainly because I got sunburned that weekend and it was irritating the back of my neck. I had intentions of putting it back on when my sunburned faded. But I didn’t. And I’m okay with that.
At least I feel like I’m okay with it. I haven’t missed it over the past 9 days. I’ve enjoyed being able to wear some of my other necklaces that have been patiently waiting their turn in my jewelry box.
But. Ever the analytical one, I worry that I’m just deluding myself into thinking I’m more healed than I am. I worry that I’m not really working the grief these days, but just putting it on a shelf to deal with later. I’m afraid that I feel too okay about this. I worry that I should not be doing so well. I feel like I should be hurting more. I should be searching for joy, not already finding it. I should be hoping for peace, not experiencing it. I should be wracked with guilt about disconnecting from him, even if it’s only in a symbolic way; not resigned to the quiet acceptance of it.
What I’ve realized is that holding onto the tangible doesn’t make him any less intangible. Wearing his necklace with his ring on it, continuing to wear my wedding ring, keeping his clothes in the closet right where he left them…none of it means that he’s not gone.
My biggest fear is that the more I heal, the more I fear I will forget him.
And that is what makes the pain return and the tears fall.
The thought of him being just a faded memory when all I want is for him to still be vivid,
and real,
and tangible.
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I understand the fear, but I don't think you will ever forget your husband or the love you shared. It's just that some of the things we do early on in grief are comfort measures. As we become more accepting of our new reality, sometimes we don't feel like we have to keep doing all of those things. Maybe you could pick a day of the week to wear that necklace in remembrance of your beloved?
ReplyDeleteAnd that's how I imagine it happens... It's not a symbolic taking off of the ring, but something that just happens and you realize you are ok with it. I think you could reframe to feel blessed that you have found some peace while you also miss, love, and remember Andie. You are co-existing with the two and that's ok. You don't have to be miserable to grieve...
ReplyDeleteI also really like the idea of once a week. Or just wear it whenever you need to have that tangible closeness and that necklace reaches out to you.
Love you
I relate to this post in so many ways....
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