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Thursday, October 21, 2010

You're gonna think I'm crazy...

Andie connected with me from the other side. I’ve been touched by an angel.

There, I’ve said it. Out loud- to the whole world.

You probably think I’m crazy, I did too…until it happened for the third time last night.

Last night was a difficult night. The girls went down without a peep right on time so I decided to go take a bath and wind down myself. Suddenly Allie starts crying- I wait- she keeps crying. After about 5-10 minutes I decide I better get out of the tub and go deal with her before she wakes Addie up. This pattern has been going on with her for almost two weeks- she goes down right on time, falls quickly asleep, then wakes about 2 hours later crying and ready to play. I brought her to bed with me to try to calm her and she would not be still, constantly moving position, crawling, bouncing, babbling, etc. After a while I put her back in bed and told her she was just gonna have to cry it out because it was her bedtime, and now mommy’s bedtime. I let her cry for 10 minutes then went back in to calm her. When I left she cried again, and I mean screamed for 20 full minutes- it was excruciating to watch the clock and pray she would just exhaust herself- and she never did. Then the dreaded happened- Addie woke up too, so now they were both crying. And I was fuming.

I tried holding and calming them in their room but to no avail, so into my bed all three of us pile. They nitpicked at each other, played with each other, stole each other’s pacifiers, they did everything but go to sleep. After about 10-15 minutes I had had it, back to bed they both went. I decided I would steel myself and they could both cry themselves to sleep. Mother of the year? I was not. Patron saint of patience? Not even close.

Addie went down right away…Allie fought it, and fought it, and fought it…now we are looking at close to an hour of her refusing to sleep and screaming at the top of her lungs. I flung myself out of bed and stomped into her room. I picked her up to bring her back to bed with me and told her, “You are really frustrating me, and your daddy isn’t helping me out any!” I figure if he had to die, the least he could do is help me out from the other side, right? Doesn’t he have some special powers now that he’s an angel, can’t he see I’m having a hard time and somehow send calming vibes to the girls, or to me? Can’t he give me something?!?!

I promise this is going somewhere, just bear with me…

So I lay Allie down on my pillow and I lie down next to her and nuzzle my face in her neck, inhaling the sweet baby smell, telling myself to calm down and take a deep breath. And for the first time, she lies perfectly still and gets quiet. She dozes off within mere minutes then shifts position and rolls over on my chest and throws her sweet little arm around my neck. As I start to doze off I get a sensation right behind my ear…I’ve had this sensation twice before and I’m convinced it’s Andie making contact with me from the other side.

I can’t even describe the feeling; it’s like an energy on my skin. The sensation that something is touching me, but not touching me at the same time, sorta similar to the hair rising on the back of your neck but the hair isn’t rising, there’s no goose bumps and it’s localized to one specific spot. It’s like if you hold your hand millimeters away from your face and close your eyes, you can feel the presence of your hand, the energy from it, but you know that something is not actually touching you.

It startled me a bit because it started out faintly then got stronger, I actually reached my hand around and felt behind my ear to see if something like the sheet, or Allie’s hand had wandered up there, and there was actually a perfectly good reason for the sensation. There wasn’t anything there and the feeling continued a little longer then faded away. I am convinced that he heard my plea of needing help and he answered, he calmed Allie down in the few seconds it took me to walk from her bedroom to mine and lay her down. Then he touched me to let me know he was there supporting me.

It’s happened two other times before. I really thought that I was just going crazy, or making things up in my head, but now that it’s happened a third time I’m convinced that he is showing me he is here. Every night before I fall asleep I talk to him and ask him to give me a sign he’s here and to visit me in my dreams.

The first time it happened I was lying in bed and in that state between awake and asleep where you don’t have all your senses about you. I got the feeling that something was lying on top of me, there was a weight on me and I couldn’t move. It woke me up fully, and I had the distinct sensation that Andie had just been lying with me. That was only a couple of weeks after he died and I wrote it off as part of my imagination and being in the crazy throes of grief. Even my mom kinda looked at me like I was going cuckoo when I told her about it.

The second time it happened was much like last night, I was lying in bed and this energy sensation appeared on my temple, almost like he was kissing me goodnight, or brushing my hair away from my face. Each time that it has happened the feeling has lingered long enough for me to become fully awake and aware of myself, so I know that it’s not something I’m dreaming.

I choose to believe that he hears me, and knows when I need him, and is sending me a sign that our love and connection still endures.

Even if that makes me crazy…


  1. Andie is there, you aren't crazy. What a very cool story! I love your blog and reading about you and your girls.

  2. Not crazy at all... Just very loved. This story has now made me cry twice. :)

  3. You're not crazy. Andie is with you, always.

  4. Of course you're not crazy, sweet girl. He IS there with you. Always and always. :)