Every life has dark tracts and long stretches of somber tint, and no representation is true to fact which dips its pencil only in light, and flings no shadows on the canvas. – Alexander MacLaren
I find myself back in that place of a placid existence. The emotions dull and inaccessible, and for the most part even keeled. I do not cry on my drive to work anymore. I do not cry in the shower anymore. I have not had a night of deep sobs that are so loud I close myself in the bathroom so as not to wake the girls in quite a while. I do not cry so intensely that it makes my knees buckle anymore. I do not get angry when I have to take out the trash anymore. I do not pretend to believe he’s coming home anymore.
I wonder what is wrong with me. Why do I not hurt more? Why am I not still an emotional wreck? Why do I only have 3 really rough days a month that happen to coincide with my period leading me to believe that the emotions are hormonally driven rather than true heartfelt, from the gut, emotions.
I know there is no “right” way to grieve, but if there’s a wrong way I’m doing it. I begin to cry as I write this…the first good cry in a while because the thought that comes to mind when I see all of this in black and white is that it seems as if he doesn’t matter to me anymore if I don’t cry, and that is the furthest thing from the truth. I don’t want people to think that I am better or healed or okay just because they don’t see me being emotional. I am afraid that people will think I have forgotten him or gotten over the pain, and that will in turn give them permission to do the same.
Some would call this lack of emotional volatility progress or healing. I just call it existing. I don’t know what else to do, really. I have come to terms with the fact that I cannot change this. He’s not coming back and I have an entire lifetime that must be lived without him.
So I
Just.
Keep.
Existing.
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yes. existing.
ReplyDeletei feel the same way lately- although i'm in a very teary place- i don't know how to live for my daughter and let the pain go a little but keep him here in my heart...
Brooke, I hear you.
ReplyDeleteThe high emotions and tears will come and go. It doesn't mean that you are okay, or that you are over the loss of your husband.
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking a lot about my husband this week (he passed on 3/7/10) and about grief. Grief is more than just a feeling. It's a process, and it involves a lot of thinking and understanding. It also involves arriving at a place of acceptance for the way things are, even if we want things to be so very different.
You are doing whatever it takes to get through, to make your girls lives as positive as possible and it has NOTHING to do with not missing your husband. I think the numb feeling from grief, often associated with the beginning stages, comes and goes....almost like your body and mind know when you need relief, a break from the gut-wrenching, bring you to your knees pain....let yourself go through it, exist in it, you need it. You cant always be on the verge of tears, or having uncontrollable sobbing times....your body and mind and soul need a break. I don't know you other than through your blog, but I know anyone who does, anyone who reads your heartfelt words knows how much you love and miss Andie! Hugs
ReplyDeleteIts called survival especially since you have small children. So much of your emotional energy is needed to get them through the day. I am the same way and have been since about six months after my husband died. And then something random will hit me and I have that all encompassing, heart wrenching cry which, ironically, feels good. Please know you are not weird and not grieving wrong. You are just doing what you have to do.
ReplyDeleteHowever you're grieving is the right way to grieve, there is no pattern, no book or chart that can map out that pain. The 5 stages may occur, but there's no order; and the cliches like "time heals" - just ignore them. However you're feeling is correct. I can't imagine the pain involved in trying to appear "normal" for your twins, and I send you healing energy and prayers for your strength.
ReplyDelete