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Thursday, March 24, 2011

Longing for past tense...

I have been thinking about who I am now that I don’t have Andie to be my sounding board and reflect back to me all the things he loved about me. I defined myself by what I was to him. I feel exposed and flawed now without his unconditional love and support.

I find myself looking for validation in others, whether that be through constant venting, talking, and lamenting with my girl friends and colleagues (or anyone who will listen), or even harmless flirtatious banter with men whom I actually have no interest in. I feel like I’ve been thrown back to middle school where the desperation to “fit in” was all consuming. Just wanting to believe I am fun, smart, interesting, pretty, exciting, worthwhile…then I feel reproach for myself because I used to be really confident. I used to just care about the opinion of one person outside of myself. I don’t like this desperate, clingy feeling. What happened to the put together girl I was? I want her back.

I don’t want to feel the need to check my email multiple times a day on the off chance that someone has something to share with me. I don’t want to be disappointed when my mom has to go home after being with me for 3 days straight because I don’t want to spend my evenings alone. I don’t want the quiet loneliness to be so loud that it’s actually deafening, so I find some noise, any noise, to fill it. I don't want to always be driven to constant distraction so I don’t have to be alone with myself. I don't want to suddenly be hypersensitive about how I look in the hopes that if I at least look put together, then people will believe I'm put together. I don't even like admitting all of this is rattling around in my head because it all seems so pathetic.

I want to be okay with me again.
I want to be secure and confident, and not just put up a good front about it.
I want to be the girl that everyone thinks I am.
I want to be the girl I was… in the life I had.


  1. This is exactly how I was feeling today. I got off the phone with a friend, and felt this sudden urge to cry. I don't even like to talk on the phone and yet I felt so anxious to hang up and listen to the silence at home. I feel needy and want to just shower off the ickiness of feeling so insecure in who I am without my other half.

    Thanks for your words. They always resonate with me.