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Sunday, March 6, 2011

I'll be alright...

I cleaned out Andie's sock and underwear drawer today. I threw all of it away except for a few pairs of his running socks that I kept for me to wear. The rest went into the trash. No sentimental value in underwear and socks so it wasn't too emotionally charged to get rid of it. I am now using that drawer to store the flags from his funeral, notes and pictures, memorabilia, and odds and ends that were his.

I also cleaned out the armoire that I will be getting rid of in a couple of weeks. One of the drawers was mine and one was Andie's. Mine had almost every card and love note he had ever given me. I chose to pile them up and put them in a different drawer in my dresser without looking through them. I didn't have the emotional energy for that today.

Andie's drawer had his shoe polish stuff, several gun holsters, a magazine of bullets for his gun, a badge holder, random little things a man needs now and then. I kept most of it and tossed a few old receipts and things that were of no use. I thought I had emptied the whole drawer and was about to put it back in the armoire when I noticed something small in the back corner. It was a black elastic band. Took me a minute to figure out what it was. It was the black band that officers put around their badges when another officer has died to show respect for their fallen comrade. The kind that every officer that attended his funeral was wearing on their own badges that day. Ironic...he won't be needing that anymore. I almost threw it away but at the last second decided to keep it with his other "police duty stuff".

It only took me about 30 minutes to go through all of this stuff. It was a small way to ease myself into what it will be like when I actually have to clean out his closet. Not that that will be anytime soon.

Going through it all wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. Just had to give myself a little "push" to do it. Guess I'm gonna be alright again afterall...


  1. wow- from one widow to another- this is huge what you did. i am cheering for you.

  2. This brought back some memories for me.

    I started out with the easy stuff, too. Then I let several months go by before I tackled the items that I had more of a sentimental attachment to. Thankfully my husband has a lot of brothers. So they got the bulk of his wardrobe, and I gave some clothing items to my BIL and his BIL, the rest went to charity. I feel good about where things ended up, and I think he would have approved.

  3. I had a bunch of John's t-shirts turned into quilts. i still have some of his other clothes. i wear his hoodies around the house and his boxers. i threw his socks away too. it was so hard for me to clean out his closet. but it was at his parents house (since we lived with them) and when i came over his dad would ask me if i was ready. we would both usually just break down and cry and not do it. we did it last month. i did keep quite a few things. to be honest. i have a bag with all his dirty clothes. i dont have the courage to wash them or get rid of them. there's something about their smell that makes them still feel quite alive.
    today i put away some pictures. my room was filled with pictures of him. now that i am dating i figured it was time to let go of some and eventually put up a new one...of me and current boyfriend. (sigh)
    good luck to us both.

  4. Hugs to you Brooke! Having recently done this myself...I know how difficult it is. I'm not sure if I posted about this, but I bought a cedar chest to store some of Chris' things which I want 'out' but not actually out. Right now it's mostly clothes, nonbreakable momentos and other items from Chris' work and personal life. For me it was a relief because it's still here...but sorted. Also, my kids have access to it when they want which is great for Maya.
    Hugs to you and your sweet girls!