I felt like I was on an upswing for a while but something washed over me today. Things were getting better, but as is the case with grief, it comes in waves. You can only ride the crest so long before it crumples beneath you.
There is a new relationship to look forward to, new hope for the future. Maybe, just maybe, the girls and I will have a complete family someday. Or maybe not, I feel so uncertain. Relationships are hard. They take a lot of work. I’m not sure if I have the emotional strength and fortitude to devote to it as the great man deserves; I’m not sure I believe in myself and my abilities to cope anymore. I feel weak and doubt myself. I don’t want to give up on the hope of happiness. I’m just feeling like I’m not good enough to make it through the tough stuff. I’m feeling overwhelmed with single parenthood. I’m feeling tired of spending the evenings in silence because there is no one to here to talk to. I’m tired of feeling needy and desperate for attention and reassurance. I’m tired of worrying about what the rest of the world thinks and trying to please others, or grieve the "right" way in the "right" time. I feel indignant that this is the hand I’ve been dealt. I feel guilty that I did not have the guts to visit the cemetary on the one year anniversary, nor on father's day; back to back days that were just too much. Will he think I'm a coward? Will he think I have moved on past the point of caring? Is he even there?
I feel dark, despondent, and discouraged….
I just want it all to get better now. I’ve made it through a year. When is enough, enough?
Grief feels so heavy tonight.
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i hear you--- had a similar day. from what i read on the fb widows group- many of us did- the day after hit much harder.
ReplyDeleteI don't know you, but I've been following your blog for a while now. It's funny how one blog leads to another and another and another.
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, I have been married to a widower for nearly 10 years. We married about two years after he lost his wife. We have two beautiful children together, and we are incredibly happy.
You will have happiness again with another wonderful man. I just know it.
Hi Brooke,
ReplyDeleteI have never met you but knew Andie pretty well several years ago. I have been following your blog since you found out you were pregnant with the little ones. Saying that I understood your pain wouldn't be accurate, but I definitely sympathize. Grief creeps in when you least expect it and will knock you flat on your rear. I know you'll pick yourself up and push through again. It's your nature. You are an amazing person and will be happy again. Be strong and believe in the grace of God. Blessings to you and your family.
I feel you pain...but think that at the end of the tunel is God, to open his arms and tell you , came with me i help you.
ReplyDeleteSo do not fear, for Iam with you do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strenghtn you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Today is my 2nd day here and i love that i can read your blog
Brooke, he IS there. He is. And don't feel guilty for not going to the cemetary. His body is there, but his spirit is with you always. The spirit is so much more important that the body that just houses it. He hears you when you talk to him.
ReplyDeletePraying for you. :)