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Thursday, June 2, 2011

Leap of faith...

"Sometimes you just have to take the leap and build your wings on the way down" - Unknown


There is a wonderful new blessing to my life. Someone who through fate, timing, answered prayers, or maybe just dumb luck eased his way into my life over the past couple of months.

First through emails, then through texting, followed by phone calls and visits…never pushing past my comfort level. Letting me move at my own pace, but standing by all the while ready to walk this journey beside me. Allowing the connection to grow and evolve on its own. Slowing down to allow me to catch up if he got a step ahead of me. He has stepped aside to give me time and space as I need it…never selfish in his pursuit.

He is honest and respectful. Understanding and reassuring. Strong and confident. Gentle and kind. Caring and insightful. Interesting and intelligent. Protective and accepting. And above all, he is patient with me and this convoluted process.

He inspires, motivates, and challenges me to be a better person. He pushes me to let go and just trust in him, believe in the possibility of us, and have faith in God.

He is the answer to the repetitive prayer I’ve prayed: For God to allow my heart to be open, and accepting of whatever or whomever He puts in my path. For me to trust that if love walks into my life I can accept its presence with grace and dignity.

I have to admit that when I have heard stories of other widows who have moved on there was always a sense of judgment on my part. How could they move on so soon- how soon is too soon? How could they proclaim to still love their dead husband, but still have enough room in their heart to love another? I couldn’t understand how that could even be possible. There was also a sense of jealousy that they had gotten lucky enough to find love again; I did not think that would ever be possible for me. But once you start down this road the issue becomes, how do you continue to hold the love in your heart for your husband while making room for new love to grow there too? I’ve found it’s like having more than one child- your heart expands to fit the need. How do you incorporate who you were then, with who you are becoming? How do you integrate your old life with your new life? I don’t have the answers to these questions. These are still challenges I must face and I realize they will continue to be for some time…

I never imagined that I would be in the very position that I had scoffed at. I couldn’t fathom that I could ever let go of my pain, or that I would ever even want to let go of the pain long enough to find happiness. After all, holding onto the pain has been all there was to hold on to. And I think that’s why this worked. He eased his way into my life ever so gently that I didn’t even know he was beginning to take up residence in my heart until it was too late to deny it.

I am on the precipice of something exciting and grand. I’m ready to take the leap of faith and see where I land and where this experience takes me. My perspective has shifted again and I find myself back in the place of believing that there is a power greater than us that guides us in the right direction even when the fog is too dense to see through it. I am acknowledging that I don’t have all the answers to how my life is going to work out, nor am I supposed to.

I’m learning to enjoy it one moment at a time. To take things at face value without questioning or analyzing them to the point that I destroy them or push them away. I’m learning to let go. To surrender the control and accept that it’s out of my hands…I’m learning to place the responsibility on the shoulders of someone much grander than I.

In my journey to find happiness…I am finding peace in my heart.
In my journey to find comfort…I am experiencing a calm stillness within.
In my journey to find love…I am opening my heart and allowing myself to take a risk.

Here I stand, humbly accepting that the universe indeed has more to offer me than I ever thought possible…


7 comments:

  1. Timing is everything. So happy for you :-)

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  2. I am so incredibly happy for you! I have not been brave enough to post that I too have found someone amazing... or rather than God has brought just the right, amazing person to me. But, when I'm ready to post about it... I hope I do it as honestly and beautifully as you have. Thank you SO MUCH for posting this. I can relate to every single sentence. Blessing on this new journey!

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  3. Nothing but sheer happiness for you! And post more...wanting to live "vicariously" through you!! It's fun!!! :0!!!

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  4. Darlene- that song has not left my playlist since you sent it to me. So very true!

    Nikki- I can't tell you how happy I am for you. It's a joyous journey when you know God has had a hand in it. I wish you all the best!!

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  5. Soooo happy for you! Having a new love does not eliminate the pesky companion of grief that lives along side you, but it sue helps to have that person to lean on. In my experience, it does stop the loneliness that follows grief though and is an opportunity to remind yourself that life is good. It indeed goes on and continues to bring gifts and adventure. My heart truly lifted when I read this. I am happy to know that you have added new life to your world.

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  6. With God, all things are possible... after your plans and life with Andie were changed, He is giving you a gift... of love, hope and just to let you know He is there. He wants the best for you.

    I know that only He knows the timing... I am so happy for you!

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