I think the bears on are to something. I want to hibernate. I am over-stimulated, over-saturated, just plain over it. Too many people are vying for my time and attention. I know they have good intentions and mostly want to see the girls, not necessarily me- but I’m feeling overwhelmed with trying to keep up with all the obligations. So many friends and family want to get together to do something over the holidays, and all I want to do is stay inside and not speak to anyone. The more people are trying to reach me and connect with me these days the more I want to pull away. Like a turtle retreating into its shell for protection. Like a bear hibernating in the cave until better times come along. I just want to ignore everyone.
Many other widows and most other people are happy about the new year. They are excited to get a "fresh start". To start anew. I feel exactly the opposite. I do not want a new year to come, I do not want a fresh start, I just want my old life back. And the reoccurring theme in my life of time moving too fast is staring me in the face with the countdown to a new year. Once the clock strikes midnight, a whole year is over and a new one is there to face. It’s daunting. It’s depressing.
I don’t want to ring in the new year with celebration- it is gut wrenching for me to think that this year, this last year that my husband was alive, this last year that my girls were held by their father, this last year that everything I’ve worked for and lived for, will be over. I don’t want it all to be over. I don’t want to let go of it. I don’t want it all to be so final. But, that’s what death is- finality at its finest.
From here forward years will be remembered and marked as “after Andie was gone”…no longer the years “we” did this or that, but now the years “I” will do it all without him. No more “remember when” that includes his name, for now the new memories made will not include him. So this new year is not a reason for me to celebrate or to look forward to ...It' s merely one more hurdle in this long race.
So if I don’t return your calls, or make plans to see you, or email you back….please forgive me, I’m hibernating.
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There are many widows and widowers out here who are feeling exactly the same as you are. I remember last year not wanting new year's eve to happen because it was our anniversary but even more so because it meant I was entering a year that my husband would never live in. The thought was overwhelming. And it's the same this year. I've lived in a year that he never did, but it doesn't mean that it's any easier to face a new year without him.
ReplyDeleteSo hibernate away. I know many people who are doing the same. We'll all emerge from our "caves" when we're ready to face the world again. And in the past 21 months I've learned that we always emerge when we're ready. Sometimes we just need time on our own to be with our grief so we can breathe deeply and get ready for what's coming next.
Take care of yourself. Debbie
I hate turning the calendar page; another door closes. :(
ReplyDeleteI feel the EXACT same way.
ReplyDeleteGod has great plans for you that will allow you to smile with pride when you say "I" did it... even without Andie. Right now, it's still too new for you to notice all that you are capable of.
ReplyDeleteFor me, I am excited for the new year, only because I want to close the door on the bittersweet holidays, that I still have a hard time enjoying. Hibernation is a great analogy and I find myself cycling into that mode often throughout the year, even still 3 years out. Everything, even simple calls that my husband usually returned were now my responsibility, from social, family, medical to financial, etc. It's all so overwhelming.
So, go hibernate, stay as long as you'd like, and when you are ready to come out, you'll be hungry again for the responsibilities.
I couldn't have explained it better myself. The new year brings so many new fears, new unknowns, new days to tackle alone... This year and the years before hold all the precious memories and moments with our husbands, I'm not ready to move on yet I need more time.
ReplyDeletei agree- i feel less like having visitors lately and more like hibernating. i'm afraid as i'm nearing the six month mark i am hitting a new low. i don't even feel like blogging anymore really. anyway, not the cheeriest comment, but just to say- i'm with you.
ReplyDelete