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Saturday, December 11, 2010


My thoughts are like a kaleidoscope. Constantly swirling in my head, one thought seemingly unrelated to the next, yet interwoven and connected, as it is born out of the thought immediately preceding it. What seems like a random assortment of thoughts is really an intricate dance amongst them. One leading, and the next following. With just a subtle shift the thought pattern morphs into something new right before my eyes. The beginning of the word- “kaleid”- sounds like collide. That is my thoughts; colliding with one another and merging together to form something new. Like atoms that collide, bind, and then become a new molecule. My mind is in constant motion these days and often I can’t make sense of it. Ending up in a place in my mind and having no idea how I got there. Here’s a glimpse into my kaleidoscope…

I stood in the shower today as I let the too hot water beat on my back and inhaled the steam. I thought, Andie wouldn’t have liked the water this hot. I remind myself he is dead. Then I think how did this happen to me, how am I alone in this, how is he not here? My thoughts jumped to a girl I know who got married not long ago, and how in all likelihood she would still have a husband 6 years and 8 months from now. Why did I not get the privilege of getting past that point? I’m reminded of my wedding day, my joy, my enthusiasm for the future. Had you told me then what would happen, would I have continued down the aisle? I think not. I know not. This pain would have been too scary. I wouldn’t have willingly walked this path; I would not have been strong enough to take this burden on. That’s all people tell me these days; how strong I am. I am because I have to be, not because I choose to be. Had I had the choice I would’ve been a coward, would have not moved forward down this path. Would’ve chosen the easier, less painful, path. I would’ve broken up with Andie had I known that I would lose him. We would’ve married different people and some other young girl would be a widow right now, not me. Then I think that I would not have had my children; other children maybe, some other man’s children, but not my children. My unique children that only Andie and I could’ve created together. And I would not give that up for anything now, but had you asked me before it all happened, I would have said other children would be just fine, I would've willingly accepted that fate. Because I would not have known the difference then. That 23 year old girl would not have known that the pain would be outweighed by the gifts. Would not have known the joy and fulfillment that Andie and these babies would bring.

So this experience and all this pain was really worth it in the end- for without it, I would not have my beautiful children, would not have known true love from an amazing man. Then I think, this is why we don’t know our futures… it would paralyze us. We would always be making decisions based on what we saw in the crystal ball and changing the course of the future, never knowing what we were really destined for because we messed with destiny. This is why, perhaps I should not consult a psychic or medium to help me get in touch with Andie. What if they know something about my future that would irrevocably change it, if I too knew what the future held.

I’m awakened from this marathon of thoughts by the sound of one of the girls babbling as she awakes from her nap. Her happy squeals over the sound of the running water in the shower. I turn it off, wondering how long I’ve stood there lost in thought…and where did this all start in my mind?

This kaleidoscope of thought is my existence. I can’t seem to even make sense of things enough to write about them lately. I can’t stay focused on a topic. Just lots of thoughts swirling around, constantly shifting and morphing, into something new...
just like a kaleidoscope.


  1. First, your girls are absolutely adorable!! I love the pictures! Second, my mind has been this exact same way lately. The other day I was driving and got lost in this crazy kaleidoscope of thought. The craziest part is that I got so lost in thought I went through a red-light...whoops! All this thinking gets to be too much sometimes. Some days all I want is for my brain to quiet down for a bit. Hugs and love to you and the girls!!!

  2. I feel like I can't turn my brain off ever. I don't know the most amount of minutes that have went by where I didn't think of John. It can't be more than a few... he's constantly there. And the woman above has a point... sometimes my thoughts make me so... THOUGHTLESS. I do the most stupid things now because my thinking process has been inhibited. I have backed in to two cars, had a fender bender, ran multiple stop signs and red lights, put the wrong things in the fridge and cabinets, etc. etc. I have never been so out of it. It's tough. It's amazing how I survive daily. But you're right. We HAVE to do it.