Check out my honors! (Click on the badges to see other great blogs too)

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Settling in...

I visited his grave today as I do on the 18th of every month. It is still mostly just a patch of dirt, tendrils of grass slowly making their way in and blurring the edges, but mostly just still dirt. It looks so fresh and is a visual reminder in the here and now that all of this is still so fresh. I sat and watched my tears roll down my nose and land in the dirt. Someone has placed new flowers and a big red bow on his grave. I realized with a sense of irony that the new big red bow is mocking me like it is a present…”open me” it says. Certainly the only present I could ever want is for this to not be my life. For half a second I think about clawing through the earth with my bare hands to get to him. To unwrap my present.

After I left the grave I went to the lake house to water the tree that we planted in his honor. As I sat on the deck overlooking the lake I was aware of the stark contrast between the beautiful, crisp, clear day with the sun warming my shoulders, and the darkness brooding within in me. I sat there listening to the breeze rustling through the trees and the waves lapping against the dock. I begin to cry again. This is exactly the kind of day he loved. If he were here with me now he would be on the lower dock with a fishing pole. I close my eyes and I can see him there- he’d be in his cargo shorts and a sweatshirt. Very likely it would be the exact UT sweatshirt I pulled from his closet and put on today. He’d have his sunglasses and a hat on. I can see him turning around and giving me that wide grin- the very one I see every day in Addison. He’d throw up the universal sign language gesture for “I love you” and I’d smile and do it back. I open my eyes hoping that when I do I will actually see him there, even if it is just an apparition. But I do not. So I cry some more.

Today is monumental- it is 6 months today that he has been gone. The full weight of the pain is palpable. I literally feel it in my chest. Today if feels more real than it ever has- the pain is deeper and stronger. I have been very distracted the past few weeks. I can’t concentrate or focus, especially in conversation. It’s the ol’ Charlie Brown, ‘wah, wah, wah”…then I have to ask people to repeat things or pretend like I know what they’re talking about. I am apathetic, not caring about most things. I want to escape it all. If I’m asked one more time if I’m okay I just might book the next flight to a foreign country and not come back. Of course I’m not okay, I just don’t want to talk about it cause I spend every waking moment thinking about it. The impending holidays and his birthday (the 26th) are ever present in my mind- like vultures circling overhead waiting to poach as soon as I show weakness. I’m giving you all fair warning that thus far it has been the calm before the storm.

I am losing my grip.
I am slipping.
The darkness is settling in…


  1. i am with is like this for me as well. i am so sorry brooke, to know you - and you, me.

  2. Brooke, I can sense it's been bad lately. Just by your posts. I have no idea what do. I know I can't do much. Just pray. Know you have my prayers, even if that doesn't bring you much comfort. I definitely think about you honey.

  3. Hold on Brooke. Keep breathing. Darkness at six months is felt by so many of us. It's a significant milestone and the shock is starting to wear off. Please know that what you're feeling is very common and the grief will not always feel this heavy. Wishing you peace,

  4. it's horrible... and that's it. i pray for strength and some hope for you tonight as i keep doing for myself. one day at a time.

  5. I recently found your blog while searching for other twin blogs to get advice on my two little men, etc. When I came across your blog I had to stop and actually read instead of skim over it like I did other blogs. I have so much admiration for you and for holding up for your girls. I'm sure are doing a wonderful job. My heart goes out to you. Know you are an inspirations to others!