Signs

I've recently read some books written by mediums describing how our loved ones send us signs from the other side. I've also just finished a book written by another widow chronicling her grief story and the many ways that she received signs from her late husband. So maybe my subconscious mind is primed to be seeing signs, or maybe I'm just more aware of them now that I'm more educated about how to see them.


Nevertheless, I have had several signs come my way in just the past couple of days. A couple of them are slightly obscure and would only mean something to Andie and I, so won't go into describing those, for it would take way too long to give you all the background information for them to seem relevant. But I will share are some of the more obvious ones.


You may remember my post about a week ago where I discussed my desire to maybe move and start fresh somewhere. My mom and best friend had encouraged me to change some things here before I jumped into such a big decision like building a new house. The advice givers say widows aren't supposed to make big decisions the first year anyway- perhaps I should give myself more time. After that conversation I asked Andie to guide me in the right direction, to help me know what he would have wanted, to basically give me a sign. Should I stay here, build a new house on our land, try to find a house on the lake...?

Well, before Andie died we had been talking with a company that helps you be your own contractor to build your house. We had been trying to set up a meeting with them, but our schedules never jived and we never got around to it. Very shortly after Andie died, the rep from the company called me to follow up and see if we could set up a meeting. I explained to him that since the last time we had talked Andie had passed away and I was just not in a position to even consider building a house...I wasn't even sure at that point if I would be able to afford holding on to our land. I told the rep that I needed some time to think about the big decisions and that I would get back in touch with him if and when I decided to move. He expressed his condolences and took me off his list of potential clients. I hadn't heard from him since....

Three days ago I was at work and decided that maybe I should call this guy back and set up a consultation meeting just to see what he had to say. I got online to find the number for their office, but then got busy at work and never called him. Later that evening I got a phone call at home. I didn't recognize the number so I didn't answer. Turns out it was the rep from the company. He left a message and said he hadn't heard back from me and just wanted to see how I was doing. I thought it was a strange coincidence that just hours earlier I had been thinking about calling him but never got around to it. Later that evening I checked my email and he had also emailed me. He asked how I was doing and said he understood the holidays had probably been rough and just wanted to check on me. I responded to his email and told him that it was such a coincidence he had called and emailed because I had meant to call him earlier in the afternoon. I told him that I was interested in coming to one of their seminars or setting up a meeting with him to get some specifics on home building, and see if this was even feasible for me.

Over the next day, I started second guessing myself. Wondering what was I thinking? Building a house is a ton of work, especially when you do it yourself. Where was I going to find the time to devote to overseeing a project of that magnitude, where would I find the money to build the house I really wanted, etc. All of these doubts were flooding in and I started to think that there was no way I should consider building this house on my own.

Then, the guy emails me back. He says I couldn't have picked a better time to want to come to a seminar because the next one they are having is in 2 weeks and the guest speaker who will be discussing her experience is a single mother who was widowed after her husband was in a motorcycle accident. She will share her experience of building a home by herself, and then after the meeting she is opening her home up for a tour. I couldn't help but think that if she could do it, I could do it too.

And maybe, just maybe, this was Andie's way of sending me a sign. Or was it just a coincidence that the very day I had thought to call this company that the rep called me? Then when I had doubts, he made it all the more clear and gave me a second sign that was almost a direct answer to my doubts. Here was another widow on a similar journey. Was it Andie's way of saying, "You can do this babe. I believe in you. You just need to believe in you. Push yourself." Do I want to push myself in this direction because building this house was our dream together and I don't want to let one more part of us die? Or is this the path I'm supposed to take?

Signs...am I choosing to believe the signs because they are pointing me in the direction I think I want to go. If they were pointing in a different direction would I choose not to heed them- would I even see them at all? Are they really signs or just simple coincidences that I'm rationalizing (which I'm pretty damn good at) as signs because they are telling me to do what I want to do?

Oprah says, "Coincidence is God working in your life" Maybe. Maybe not.
What it boils down to is choice...whatever we believe is of our own choosing.
If I want them to be signs from Andie then they are...